The infinite wisdom that my mom used to tell me growing up on a daily basis is starting to punch me in the face every day, and starting to bring light of my ongoing health problems. My mom had a quip for anything and everything.
The one that that was very common was “What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”.
Mostly those conversations were in passing, or sitting at the coffee table every morning growing up with her.
I still remember the day I went down to tell her that I had gotten a girl pregnant, and I was only 16 at the time. Fear, would be the best way to put it. Walking down the stairs to the laundry room where she was struggling as always with the “3-Legged Bitch” (Ironing Board). That conversation turned south quickly. My heart was in my stomach, along with everything else. That conversation was met with shock, disbelief, and silence. I remember my mom’s face of “What the fuck did you just do”. I was put on the silent treatment for weeks. Nothing. No anything. After some time, as the reality set in that she was going to be a grandma changed her outlook on my situation. My mom and I started to grow even closer as the months passed by. After my daughter was born, I started to see that bond become concrete between my mother and I.
During my rotten divorce from my ex-wife was one of the worst times for me, yet, my mother was always there for me. She had just gotten a new phone, and could text. She was always a text, or call away. Conversations would last for hours with her. I was alone in Chicago. The ex made every attempt, (and still does to this day), to alienate me from both of my children. Which, surprise, it didn’t work. She put verbiage in the divorce agreement that I was unable to have the children for visitation should I be co-habitating with the opposite sex. Life is life. The minute my ex drove away with the only 2 things I cared about in the world, I was relieved for once. The stress was gone of having to literally take care of 3 children, yes children, emotionally, physically, and financially on my own. During that time my mom was always there for me. Always willing to listen, and provide sound advice. Amazing relationships are 100%/100%, this one unfortunately was -1000%/500%. A month after my ex departed with both my children, I filed for divorce. The phone call after my ex was served was fucking priceless. Screaming at me. Sorry, this was your doing, not mine. I wasn’t the one who was a financial parasite whom didn’t care about the safety and well-being of the children. She was always about herself. Poor me, pity me. Sorry, that boat has sailed.
As the relationship between a literal psychotic, and narcissistic person, and someone who employs common sense and selflessness degraded between my ex and I after the divorce, again, she did everything she could to try and interfere with my life. I know that it angered her that I had moved on. I’ll be honest, it was pretty easy. Every legal battle, restricting my time with my children, actually violating the parenting agreement on so many levels brought me to bring her to court several times. She didn’t give a fuck about my rights. At all. However, in the state of Illinois, all men are treated as though as if we are a criminal. During the divorce my mom again, was always there for me. Even at 4am. She always made time, and allowed me to just talk to her about all the problems. Mom became my liaison between me and the children. She was making sure that they were ok, and not in harms way. She didn’t give a shit about my ex, comments of which are hilarious I won’t post about.
As time went on, my daughter started to get sick. I was deeply concerned about her safety and well being. My ex being the worst human being ever, decided that she should put my daughter (who was 13 at the time) through seeing a psychologist, chalking off her ailments as a mental problem. Projecting your problems against someone, and not being able to reason with once again, a literal psychotic person is not a good situation to be in. I told my ex several times to get her to a real doctor to start looking deeper into her issues. I refused to pay for any of the doctor visits, as always, the ex continued to not abide by the parenting agreement that clearly states that we are to work together with respect to the children’s welfare and well-being. But as always, my ex’s unilateral decisions were superior to anything I had to say.
Seeing my daughter go through this broke my heart, however, I tried to reason with my ex. My daughters motor skills were declining. Random blackouts, fatigue, brusies that would come & go. I told my ex to have my daughter tested for Lymes Disease. To which she said she tested negative for, however, she has no proof that the doctor or testing was completed. I looked at the insurance EoB’s (Explaination of Benefits), and nope. No tests, no doctors. Just more therapists for the issue that was all “In her head”. My daughter was so strong, but again, it broke my heart to be helpless against helping her. I ended up throwing away the toxic pshyc drugs that she was prescribed as it was quite obvious that my daughter had a real health issue. It truly is a shame that my daughter wasn’t able to get the help from the custodial parent that clearly didn’t care. She just used both the children as a financial windfall. A paycheck.
During mom’s battle with cancer between 2010 through 2012, I was commuting every week back & forth from Chicago, to Minnesota. I remember the car rides to / from her radiation & chemo treatments. It was our time. My mom was a very open and welcoming woman. No topic was taboo. Ever. I could talk about anything to her. I carried that same mentality with both my children. I was the parent you could reason with, talk to, openly. I continued to tell both my children throughout the years and promoted that I was there for them, no matter what toxic lies my narcissistic ex was telling them. And yes, both my children see right through it to this day.
I ended up having to take my ex to court to stop the wreckless behavior, and physical, and emotional damage she was causing to my daughter. Mom helped me fund another legal battle to get it to stop. My mother could see it clear as day, “She is going to kill her”. After my mother died from her fight with lung cancer, she gave me money before the end. To put and end to my ex’s actions and get my daughter help. At this point I was literally paying $1,700 a month in child support, and I could barely afford to live.
After an expensive legal battle, I got the ex barred from any further psychological interventions, and to get my daughter seen by real doctors to address her real illness. A year later, after proper testing, and me demanding my daughter be seen by a doctor who specializes in Lymes (again), diagnosed with Advanced Lymes Disease. As you can see, reasoning with a person who is in a completely different world is damaging to anyone, and anything in between. My daughter received treatments, and is getting much better day to day which is a huge sigh of relief for me.
Throughout this time to today, my illnesses always came and went. Whether it be antibiotics, or dental related things, started to compound and snowball after mom’s passing. During this time, my fiancee and I moved apartments to a 2 bedroom apartment. The previous legal battle I won more time with both children (full summers), and the stipulation of co-habitation was thrown out. I could finally get to have the time with my children I’ve always wanted. I wanted to give them what I didn’t have growing up.
It was at this point however, my illnesses started to become more frequent. Maybe it was the apartment, or stress, or just the weather. The recurring infections, well, became more frequent. The cystic acne that I was getting was just getting worse. No treatment helped me. I just focused on getting to work on time, and just pushing through it. As time went on into 2013-2014, my wifes hair started to fall out. She started to have health issues as well. Lupus. Somehow that was her diagnosis. She told me about having short term memory issues amongst other issues. I loved her no matter what. As my relationship with the property manager declined at that apartment, I had had enough of being harassed by the manager about my cigarette butts being thrown in the parking lot, which I actually had a big bucket that my butts went into. The apartment we lived in wasn’t the greatest. Internally it was fine, but the roof needed major repairs, which the complex started to work on. Between the harsh winters, and the rain that would constantly come and go, our roof on our building was destroyed. After complaining to the office several times about it, they agreed to work on our building first. But at this point, I was DONE with the old apartment’s bullshit, and exorbitant rental rates for what we got to live in which was known as “luxury” apartments.
We decided to move. Whats funny about coming full circle, is my wife and I ended up moving to the first apartment complex that when I decided to move the ex, and children to Naperville to. Lot’s of room for the kids, and us. It was nice. Thats when I started to notice this strange smell in our old apartment. I couldn’t find where it was coming from. That strange smell was always in the apartment, it just didn’t smell “right”. After terminating our lease at the old apartment, I slowly moved our apartment over to the new one with my car. Took about 3-4 days to do it, but I got it done. Just left the bare necessities that we needed at the old place. I had hired movers to do the move, but to save money, it was just better to move all the small / expensive things myself. My wife wasn’t doing so well, so I stepped up my game and got us moved mostly by myself.
As the movers arrived to move the big furniture, the smell in the old apartment became more apparent. It was like something was rotting in the place. Maybe it was the furnace, or something in the ducts. I still couldn’t figure it out. The kids were with us for the summer at the time (same time my daughter was having all her health issues as well). As everything started to get loaded onto the moving truck, I started to disassemble the beds. The kid’s bunk beds were done first, and I saved our bedroom for last. After tearing down a desk that my wife had restored from an old customer from her house cleaning days, I turned to tearing down our bed (which I’ve had since the divorce). After pulling it away from the wall. Wham. A black mold spot about 12 inches in diameter was hiding behind the bed. Both my wife and I were literally being poisoned by black mold for probably 3 years. Silently.
At this point I kicked the kids out of the apartment, and made them stay at the new one. Black mold is dangerous. It’s been well known and documented on what it can do to the human body. I told the wife to not return to the apartment to do the final cleanup (which she did anyway >:|). I contacted the old apartments leasing office telling them of my findings, and that we would not be cleaning the apartment, nor paying last months rent due to the serious health hazard that I had found. After telling my wife again to not return, she agreed. We left the apartment as-is. I even left our bed at the old apartment. Told them that they could dispose of it.
The new apartment was awesome, however, the damage was done. My wifes hair continued to fall out, and my health issues started to become more prominent and frequent. Between getting sick anywhere between 10-12 times a year, and my mouth just going into self distruct mode, it was pretty clear that the black mold had caused a major health issue for both of us. As time went on, my wife started to get better. Her Lupus was starting to get under control, and the medications they gave her started to work. I was relieved.
As for me? Not so much. During my work review for 2014, I was told by my old manager that I wasn’t getting a promotion based on all the personal/health issues I was having. I worked my ass off for that company. I spent countless hours making things better for the organization, but in the end, it didn’t matter. Angry, I got up from my “review” with my manager in disgust, and left for the day. I was so angry and disappointed that I heard that come out of her mouth. My health issues continued to become worse. More illnesses, more antibiotics, and the oral surgery took its toll on my body. I was constantly tired. Fatigued. At this time I’m 36, I shouldn’t feel like an 80 year old man. But again, I just pushed through it.
In 2016, the continued “negative” feedback and harassment I was getting from my manager at the time broke me. I was done. I had had enough. I started looking for jobs. Jesus, I worked there for almost 10 years. Writing my resume up, cleaning it up. I started to send it out. Throughout this time I had met my alternative life partner through work. Our relationship didn’t start out so well in the beginning, we were almost like the Odd-Couple, which today has evolved into a true friendship. He worked for a company out in Denver. When I worked at the old place, I would visit Denver on a regular basis about 2-3 times a year. Giving training sessions for our product. Helping them with problems on a very low level. I reached out to both him and his boss and sent my resume. At the same time, another old co-worker wanted me to come to Denver to work for him.
Denver was the next phase of my life. It was either 1 way or the other, I’m going. I remember landing the job, going through the “interview”, which the past 10 years was enough helping them. Elated landing a dream job, in a position where I could excel at with nothing holding me back, I broke the news to the wife. “I am moving to Denver, and I want you to come with”. She was in shock. For those of you who are not familiar, Chicago and the Polish population are second nature. Did you know what the 2nd biggest city with Polish population is Chicago outside of Warsaw Poland? I was tearing her away from everything familiar with her. She seemed unsettled, but I promised her that Denver would be the best move for us.
My alternative life partner and I sprung up a plan to get us out of Illinois, and to our new home in Denver. It took the wife & I a solid 2 weeks packing and getting everything ready to move. We ended up throwing away a lot of useless shit. Right before the move, my body started to just decline. The fatigue was worsening, and I started to get these spasms in my neck so bad that I would just lock up in complete pain. So bad I ended up having to go to a convenient care to have a muscle relaxer injected into me along with pain killers. I was fucked. I couldn’t lift anything. I had another co-worker from my old job send me a text asking “Need Help”, the smart ass I am I replied with the date/time of loading the trailer. To my dismay, I was joking. But him and another old co-worker showed up to help load the trailer. I was humbled. I will say this, I really have met a lot of genuine people throughout my life, and I wouldn’t give it up.
Leaving Illinois was the best thing to do. Many memories are with me from Chicago, the nightlife, my friends, finding the most amazing wife who is so selfless and caring, and I will cherish that forever. The wife ended up staying behind a month to continue working at her old job. Between my alternative life partner, his girlfriend, and myself, it took us a day and a half getting to Denver. We stopped half way into Omaha for the night. I was exhausted. I was also looped up on painkillers from the spasms I was having, but I got through it. We arrived the next day to Denver. Unloaded the truck for 4 hours, and called it a night. I was so exhausted at this point. I started to get sick, but whatever. I made it there.
Over the next 2 weeks, I chose not to start my new job immediately. I wanted time for myself, unpack, and arrange the entire apartment before my wife came with the remaining remnants of our old apartment in Naperville. I was so happy to see her. The first few weeks were rough for her. The shock of being put somewhere unfamiliar, and somewhere she has never been started to weigh in on her. I told her to take a month to adjust and get settled. I could tell she wasn’t happy with what had happened. That’s when I decided to show her what Colorado was about. The mountains. Up until this point, my wife was never the type of not wanting to go outside, camping, etc. I’m sure her health issues played a role in that. After showing her the mountains one weekend, Chicago was a forgotten memory. Shortly after that she found a job at a new dental office, she was elated. I was really happy for her, and us that Denver was going to work. It was a relief.
We took trips every weekend up into the mountains exploring our new home. It really felt good because to be quite honest, we were spending genuine time together. Not the normal grind of go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. As time went on her health issues appeared to get better. I was so happy that things were starting to look better for her. As for me? Not so much. Moving to the new job, unfortunately, I was unable to have health insurance for 3 months. Which by the way was the worst. Thats the first time in what, 25 years I didn’t have any health insurance or dental insurance. My son came out for the summer. That was the summer that changed our relationship forever. Erasing the parental alienation from him wasn’t easy, but in the end, our bond is extremely strong. He worked at my alternative life partners house mowing his lawn, getting him into making money. He was ecstatic. I let him keep all the money. Shuttling to/from his job. He was really liking it.
My son learned a valuable lesson that summer. One which sealed our bond even tighter. I got a new car. I needed it to have a car under warranty in the event of something catastrophic happening. Filling up gas at a service station, he whips open the door, and puts a pretty nasty dent in the side of the car. That was a quiet car ride home. I could tell he was scared. But I used that experience to teach him the value of things, and to respect others property as if it was his own. Was I angry, yes. But I didn’t come down on him like someone else I grew up with. It wasn’t the end of the world. We both tried to fix the dent with CO2 cans of air, and a hairdryer. It was awesome bonding with him that way. We were both hoping to pull the dent out, however, the majority of the dent was on the door edge where the outer skin of the door meets the inner frame of the door. Eh it was there. I moved on.
As that summer progressed, my swallowing issues started to worsen, and the illnesses started to really amplify. Dropping my son off at the airport was extremely difficult for me. I was so fatigued, on top of that the emotional goodbye we have grown quite accustomed to as he was boarding the flight. My throat felt like a fucking desert. I was drinking water non-stop. I couldn’t swallow without my throat sticking. I sat at the gate as his plane departed, contacting my new health insurance company that I needed some guidance on what to do. I drove home, drinking water non-stop.
Later that night, things got to the point where I had no choice but to head to the ER. Things weren’t good. I felt miserable. Fever, fatigue, pain, and the swallowing problems were getting worse. After fluids, and a CT scan. They sent me home with antibiotics. Over the next 2 weeks things were not getting better. I was starting to get concerned that maybe I’m having an allergic reaction to something. But at this time, I was back at it with the ex wife AGAIN because of my daughters college. I wanted my daughter to take the year off from college to get better, but again, reasoning with a psychotic person never works. $17,000 later, the legal issues were settled, and that stress was gone, only to be swapped out for the stress about my health. I didn’t feel right. Something was wrong.
As time went on, the new job started to not look good. They wanted to start moving us to Philadelphia. I wasn’t going to move. No way. I had JUST got to Denver, and got things established. I ended up moving to another company the next year. It was hard at first. I’ll be honest. Countless sleepless nights insued standing up a new team of people. However, this time, I am no longer an engineer. I took a management role. My real first role as being responsible for people. I put a lot of time, and effort into our new team. Whether it being educating them on the technology, how things work, how to troubleshoot, and also be their leader. As time moved on, the health issues started to worsen. It got to the point late 2017 that I would just come home and crash on the couch for 12 hours after a 16 hour day. Looking back on it, I am pretty sure the CVID was in full swing at that point. My immune system was shot, my body was shot, I was shot. The walking dead feeling became the normal feeling. But as always, I just pushed through it.
Fast forward to this week, I can say that for the first time in YEARS, I feel alive again. I don’t feel like the walking dead. I am so fortunate to have a caring team of doctors focused on me, and having a wife that is so supportive of me, as well as the encouragement with my son and daughter to keep going. Without all the support, I don’t know if it would have gotten this far.
My first dose of IVIg last week has started to bear fruit and has started to show its positive benefits. I have energy again. I actually don’t feel like the walking dead anymore. My attitude has started to turn around. In the coming week(s), I have surgery to look forward to. Again, I was shocked when my ENT told me that I am a priority, and that the surgery needs to happen ASAP. Before the surgery, I did tell him that my immunologist wants me to have a few rounds of IVIg in me prior to surgery, so I am waiting for both my ENT and immunologist to put together a care plan, and approach to the surgery, and the best path forward.
I woke up this morning from an email from my health insurance that my EoB had been processed for the first infusion. The total bill before insurance was submitted as $4,729, after a insurance-negotiated discount of $3,182 was applied, leaving $1,547 as the “final” amount owed prior to insurance kicking in. Since I have far exceeded the yearly deductable, the amount I will owe for the first infusion will be about $150. But again, that was only 1/2 of what I am supposed to receive. As I read the EoB, my moms wisdom came out of my mouth.
“What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”
As you can see, my life up until this point has not been easy at all. But at the same time, I will not let whats happening consume me any longer. Only positivity, and looking to the future is my mindset as of now. I look forward to what’s around the corner next.
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