I’d really like to know what happened. Like. Honestly. It seems like since 2012, my life has been slowly deteriorating. The loss of my mother kickstarted something. Not really sure where, why or how, but things seem to be originating from that. They say that death is not an easy thing to deal with. It wasn’t. When my mom died, I didn’t mourn. The 2 years before when she called, it hit me like a house being dropped on me. I still remember that conversation, the voicemail she left. The uncertainty. But importantly, her resolve.
As time went on, my doctor visits became more and more frequent. Dermatologist, GP, urgent care, dental visits. You name it.
Fast forward to today, my health has hit rock bottom. It takes every ounce of my soul to just get out of bed and “function”. I truly regret not listening to my body. But I really cannot put my finger on “when” this hit critical. Before 2018, i remember being exhausted from work. Coming home and just crashing. Before that? 2014-2016? I guess i can honestly say i wasn’t paying attention to anything. I’ll be honest. Ive been miserable for awhile. From an overall wellness aspect.
Between the illnesses, and everything else, the chronic pain. Fuck. Pain. I cannot remember the last day that I had where I was pain free. Last year the pain wore me down to nothing. I had to resort to pain management. Something I tried avoiding for the longest time. But was inevitable. Sadly i started taking Vicodin. Daily. The pain in my neck has just been getting worse, and worse. The throbbing. The part in my neck where it just locks up. It’s not aging. It’s probably related to the trauma where I high fived my friends car with my face the night before mom died.
In 2018, during my multiple fun trips to the ER, i had an MRI done of my spine. After an amazing spinal tap. From that scan, it answered some questions I’ve had for awhile. Between C3/C4 my spine is fucked. That’s basically the lower base of your neck. A partial impingement. So that explains the periodic pain after sitting.
I had a call with pain management last month. The guy was getting my meds from previously literally just ragequit the practice. Left. nothing. So my care transitioned to the actual MD. This guy began the Spanish Inquisition of why do i need this. Asking me all the questions that were asked during my intake. I was sort of offended and scared at the same time. The one drug that has been getting me through, i might not get anymore. He then just “refilled me” because he didn’t want to make any changes, but he said “Your spine looks better than mine”. Hearing a doctor say that, just sends up the red flag. This guy is just trying to dump me. I’ll be honest, Colorado Pain has gone through some “transitional problems” the past 8 months. At the beginning of the year, they closed the office in Aurora, then 4 months later, the office in Thornton. Then COVID hit, so its been telehealth since then. But nonetheless, its been weird.
I was supposed to transition to Allpria, but that never happened. The referral was never sent. So I ended up contacting them right after the new pain Dr. basically made it sound like I’m being cut off. Funny enough I had yet another refill appointment with him today, but the conversation was completely different. The intake nurse asked me all the questions, but made it very clear I am still having pain issues in my neck, as well as all the other fucking things going on in my face.
I will say this. Facial pain is the absolute worst. I feel shit every fucking day. When I wake up, the first thing I feel is my jaw pulsing, my cheeks burning. The swelling, the inflammation, and whatever else. Between my eyes, my sinuses. Fuck you name it, everything is pissed. I think this has just been slowly getting worse. Over the years. Slowly. like without me actively noticing that there is a problem.
As i sit here at 2am writing this, my face is moving. It feels like something is crawling under my skin. The sensation comes, and goes. The implants are still in my jaw, but who the fuck knows what this is anymore. Earlier this week I met back up with the new ENT @ UC. Rehashed what we already discussed, but told her I’m deeply concerned about my face. This isn’t normal. This isn’t psychological. It’s real. The swelling is real, the things I’m feeling is real. Yeah, maybe some nerve damage may exist, but I know for a fact something is wrong. I still remember coming home last year from the hospital after getting vancomycin for 3 days. Fuck I felt amazing. A fleeting moment in time. Why is it so fucking hard to get treated properly? Would love to know.
Net week i meet with an ENT to discuss the swelling and mucoceles in my mouth. The NP felt them. They are real. I know that I’ve talked about Actinomycosis in the past, but I’m still hung up over the fact that its a pretty strong possibility that this is the shit running around in my face. As i look at photos from 2010 till now. It’s not fat. You can see the inflammation just starting to take shape in my face. It’s pretty eerie. The pressure, and overall uncomfortable feeling i have is just getting old. I just dont want to feel this anymore. I am just overly frustrated that its just going week by week with no action.
Today I also met back up with the implantologist that put my implants in. To what i thought would have been an exam, was just a 5 minute discussion. Implants are probably gonna go. He was under the impression that the implants are not truely titanium. I can tell how ill prepared he is, is that he couldn’t state one fact. He had to run off to the other room to get the data sheets i told him to download from the appointment last week. TBH he has done jack shit. He was supposed to call Nobel… he clearly didnt. I could tell just based on how he was talking. 0 confidence. Nothing but mum’s and aaah’s. I can tell he is in an uncomfortable position because of all the complications I have had. As I told him sitting in the chair, is that its quite clear i have a metal allergy seeing that I tested positive to several common dental metals. We then started talking about actionable items. Of course he wanted more time, and will “call me when he has something”. Still unsure if that means “the check is in the mail”, or if he is actually going to put a plan together. We did start discussing options. I told him the only other implant system I want put in is ceramic. Nobel does make zirconia implants. Screw retained. Just like what I have now, just no metal.
The discussion became more of an end-game scenario of I just want teeth. I am willing to do what it takes to get them. If i just go with dentures? Fine. Pull this shit out of my mouth, and just do dentures for the rest of my life. Yeah. Not ideal. Bone loss will happen. Ive noticed its already starting. Seeing as how i had the allergic reaction since they have been put in, it seems like its accelerated. We discussed potentially putting in 8-10 implants to support a full mouth. No angles, more of a hybrid solution. He seemed hesitant to discuss… I know.. you dont want to help me anymore. I can see it in your eyes, and the body posture you use. It’s ok dude. Stop faking it. And for the love of god, please stop using the words “We are going to help you”. You know that you are nearing lawsuit territory since I have literally been to your office every fucking month with the same complaint.
Again as i sit here my face is crawling. This fucking sucks.
As for my attitude and mood lately? I give up. This has beaten me. The vacation i was able to get away with Aggie is all but gone. Even though it was an extremely stressful situation, i did love doing it. I am really glad to have a jeep again. Ive had what 4 Jeep’s now my entire life?! Cant seem to get away from them. Dont get me wrong, i love Vader (my Golf R), but there is a special place in my heart for a Jeep Wrangler. The Ophir Pass badge of honor showed up this week, it was a fun reminder of the stressful drive down that goddamn rock shelf. But i want to do it again. It’s a great distraction from the “right now”.
I have been getting shorter and shorter with everyone, and when i say everyone, its everyone. Coworkers, family, friends, and my best friend. I really feel bad for Agnieszka. She has gone through so much with me to still be “putting up with me”. The past 2 weeks, have been extremely hard on me. I’ve been dealing with this chronic bullshit now for what, 3 years? I have yet to catch a break with anything. Nothing is going right, nothing is working. It just seems like failure after failure. The feeling of perpetually falling down the stairs has not gone away. Between the disappointing daily letdown of failure, mixed with constant pain, has started to mix into my personality. I used to be happy, outgoing, positive. Now? I dont know where to classify it as. Seriously. I know that I am not nice anymore. I’m short with most people. Ive just stopped caring. As hard as it is to admit that, its out there. I just dont fucking care anymore. It’s something that’s always been lurking underneath, the thoughts and feelings of fuck all…. It’s here. I’ve tried combating it the best I can, but it seems like every day that passes, the less and less I care, about anything, and everything. I am just doing what it takes to stay employed, have a roof over my head, and be able to survive. Everything else is optional at this point. I mean, i have no teeth. I cant eat much, if anything.
I ended up buying a small food processor earlier this week. I tried Chipotle with it. It was absolutely depressing. Reminds me of when I worked in the nursing home. Feeling the patients that couldnt eat themselves. The puréed foods. Basically stick it in your mouth and swallow. It’s demoralizing and embarrassing at the same time. My voice has changed so much over the past 3 weeks. I sound like I’m 70. I look like I’m 70, I feel like I’m 70. I honestly dont know why Agnieskza sticks around. She is an amazing wife. It saddens me that our marriage has now been soured with all this. It’s just unnecessary. From time to time, I just think that I should just become a recluse. I dont deserve her. I’ve basically become dependent on her, and its not healthy. It’s unfair to her that she also has to deal with my misery day in and day out. It feels like i am just interfering with her life, and her overall enjoyment. She is an amazing human being. So understanding, so full of love and dedication. But i know that is only limited. It will eventually fleet, and we all know where that goes. She is my soulmate. Through and through. I still remember to this day how I felt when I met her for the first time, the first date, the first apartment. Just 2 people working together because it just feels right. It now becomes something out of one of those movies where you see two trains headed towards each other.
We have been arguing more and more lately. It’s the typical things, but its really starting to weigh on me. At times I feel like she would be better off with someone else. She doesn’t need this. She can find someone else. I feel like lately I dont mean anything to anyone anymore. I’m just a wallet to most. Both my kids who have grown older are busy with their lives now (which is a good thing), but our conversations are becoming more and more less frequent. I dont want to bore them or just talk about my problems, its not fair to them, or anyone.
I know that its been quite challenging the past year for me especially, but for everyone else. I know that these problems are only temporary, but the thing I see is that there is no end in sight to this. Ive tried remaining hopeful that I will finally start having the answers to what has been plaguing me, but it feels like I am starting to run out of time. More along the lines of, my abundant amount of patience is gone. The caring and kind person my mother taught me to be, is disappearing every day. I am not a rotten person. I have tried doing the right thing all my life as best of my ability. Yeah, bad decisions happen, but there are other decisions i absolutely dont and wont regret ever.
I know that I was supposed to be using the blog for medical things, and putting all sorts of useful knowledge about the immune system, and my path to healing, but I can honestly admit, that I am now stuck in this rut, with no end in sight. I dont know when or if I am ever going to get better. It truely saddens me, and makes my heart hurt, that this is what I have to deal with day in and day out. It’s frustrating to no end being in constant pain, and being neglected by pretty much every doctor out there. As the days go by, my frustration grows. My dedication to my life is decreasing. Like I said, I’ve lost the will to keep fighting. It feels like I have gone 9 rounds with the worlds best boxer, and I am just out of gas. I am really finding it hard to find happiness in things anymore. Just because everything is just overwhelming.
Agnieszka if you are reading this, please know that you are appreciated every day, and I love you unconditionally as I always have. I am doing the best that I can, and I am sorry if I dont pick up after myself, or if I just dont say anything, or if i get upset over stupid things. I am drowning, I am overwhelmed, I am scared for what is coming. I am doing the best i can to get help so that I can be a better person so that I can make you happy, but it breaks my heart every day that I cannot give you the things you deserve, the attention you should get, and a life partner that is there for you, but it feels like my time is starting to run short.
I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, and please understand that all I want you to have is happiness, you absolutely deserve it. 🙁
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