Full Circle of Failure

What would become of the aftermath of 2018, followed by monumentus failure of 2019, leading to the full circle of failure of 2020. 

 

Jesus. Christ. 

 

You would think things would have gotten easier with figuring out the oral infections. Immune disorders. Fuck. No immune system. To the literal waste of money I have had to endure the past 5 years of my life. Another 25k up in flames. Yet to only find out that I’ve got a metal allergy. 

 

When the implants were put in, I don’t think anyone could have been prepared for what happened. At the first sign of failure with the first implant, I strongly believe the allergy was just there. Underlying. Yet again, Dr. doesn’t care. Pulls the implant, I go septic. 

 

The fucking mysteries that have to be solved as of late is pretty fucking appalling. Doctors just don’t listen.  I told my wife several times throughout this “battle” that my implants needed to go. Constantly being reassured that I should keep trying, in the back of my mind I was already sold. These implants needed to go. The infection from 2018 literally almost killed me on top of a medical system refusing to listen. 

 

I should have just left well enough alone. Last Wednesday was liberation day for me. But holy fuck did I have to endure the worst. The implants are gone. We showed up at 8am, did paperwork. And I just sat there. As my anxiety was increasing by the 100’s. Anger. Anger started to set in. A years worth of frustration. Agony. Defeat. Exhaustion. All swing into motion. I was just done. I didn’t want to feel anymore. My face just fucking hurt. The swelling got to a point of what the fuck. As I was brought back to the room, I was met by a really idiotic anesthesiologist. Probably the dumbest box of rocks I’ve ever had to talk to. 

 

As I was in the chair. He started to rapid fire questions off. As I answered, he would stop. Repeat the questions, then just fell into this cycle of he was frustrated as much as I was. 

 

So then I sat there and just said. Please. Just let me sign, push versed in me. And I don’t want to remember anything. At that point the iv went in,  and it was minutes. 

 

I awoke in fucking agony. I knew the storm was already starting. I sat up. But just sort of stuck at the chair. Looking at the assistant who helped me time and time again. I shook my head and asked “Is it over?”  I sat in disbelief. That I had to go through yet another surgery this year. You’d think the human body would just shut down. I have abused this body so much this year, but yet, perhaps it’s what was needed to put me back on a better path. 

 

I slowly got up and walked towards reception. Didn’t pay. Just wanted to get the fuck home. I wanted to lay down. God I knew the shitstorm was coming. By the time we got home, the lidocaine started to wear off. I scrambled for the dilaudid. 4mg. Every. 4.  Hours.  I could feel the inflammation and swelling just start. Under my tongue, left jaw check and nose. It literally felt like I was just punched straight to the face. Soon after my ears just started to ring, then the ol heartbeat in my jaw feeling started. Nothing was going to stop this. 

 

As the day degraded. I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t even think. All I could do was just focus on staying ahead with medication in the hopes of just making it hour by hour. I was starving. I had to eat. I’ve been without lower teeth for about 2 months now. I’ve gotten used to making things that I can eat easily. Shortly after eating what I could, the swelling really started to hit hard on the lower left jaw and under my tongue. At the same time, the swelling started to show up below my chin, and the red spots that have been waxing/waning have returned as well. Everything was just burning. I kept telling myself all day that this has got to be it. The implants are causing all this. It literally can be the only thing besides some crazy assed fucking infection. 

 

Getting implants too soon I think was my mistake. Not enough research into the pros and cons of it. It just sounded too fucking appealing at the time. Almost too good to be true. And here I am. I just shake my head. I never get a win. At anything. I just get stepped on and tossed down the stairs to just only get back up and have it done again and again. 

 

As for today as I woke up, the pain, and swelling I have been feeling has come down considerably. It could be the antibiotics, the dexamethasone, pulling the implants, healing. All of the above I hope. I do feel that streak inside my lip shrinking. There is “stuff” that comes out of it from time to time, but it’s tough to gauge what it is really. I am just hopeful that the hard part is behind me. I really do. Yes. It’s embarrassing that I turn 41 tomorrow, and that I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve basically lost all my teeth. It’s been a battle to get here, to be sitting here typing this. I do think back quite often. Small fladhbacks, yet albeit grim reminders that I am still not out of the woods yet. 

 

As far as the immune front goes, I was sucessfully moved over to Soleo as a patient finally after a few weeks of uncertainty. I picked up my new 25g dose this week. It’s just a relief that I don’t have to worry about it. The only thing I dread now is turning anew year, and having to come up with yet another $7,000 a year to pay towards maxing out my benefits for the year. 

 

Maybe a new chapter soon. Maybe I can talk about something more positive soon. However, it’s hard to say. I’m not out of the woods yet 🙁