Misery

Things have escalated again. For the worst of course. My birthday was yesterday. Misery would be the appropriate title to use here. 

I awoke in just tremendous pain. Pain I have honestly never experienced before in my life. The swelling under my tongue has become exponentially worse.  Drinking and talking are just an absolute challenge. As I came to, the wave upon wave of just pain hit me left and right. Just getting fucking punched repeatedly. Over and over again. I could barely stand. Or see. I managed to struggle my way to the desk where my morphine sits. But I decided to go for the Diluadid this time. Jesus that shit just works. Potent as fuck. 

I awoke to a birthday card on my keyboard. It’s always nice to just get a card. Something fun or serious to read. It’s humbling. I’m not high maintenance. As I read the card, the night before played back in my head. Yes. I had a nervous breakdown the night before. It’s been coming for some time. Every day, it would just come closer and closer to happening. And it just happened. The culmination of 3 years of struggle. 3 years of near death experiences. 3 years of just. Struggle.  The unrelenting abyss of challenges that have been thrown my way have far exceeded what I would believe in my STRONG opinion would fucking kill anyone. Or push them over that edge. The fine line I have been trying to walk became jagged and unapproachable without some sort of emotional release. 

The day before my birthday, I just wanted to sit and just be. Not be in the way of anything. Just try to get through the day the best I could. I could feel that something was coming though however. Something. Unforgivingly clear that something bigger is coming. I mean let’s be honest. We all know what’s coming.  All I wanted was just some quiet time in my head. On the couch. As this past week, traditionally Anies goes into super clean mode for Christmas. The house always looks so amazing. She does such a great job doing it. But I don’t ask her to. She just does it. 

As the day went on, I kept having to move around and avoid getting in her way so she could do her thing, but it became clear that no matter where I went, I was in the way. I voiced my opinion that my desk was ok and didn’t need to be cleaned so that it’s one less thing that she had to do. She then wanted to dismantle the tv stuff to clean, and I told her everything is fine and that it wasn’t needed. At this point the friction started. I just fell silent. I told Anies to just do her thing. And I’ll do my best to stay out of the way. 

The day just spiraled out of control afterwards. I didn’t want to make her any more angry than she already was. I didn’t want to interrupt what she was doing but it didn’t matter. Fuse was lit. As it got later in the day, I really wanted my moms meatloaf. God it’s a must have comfort food. And I was getting really hungry. The easy part is that you don’t have to chew it. But it’s so good. 

I got up off the couch using what very little energy I had and started to slowly pull everything out. As I pulled out the mixing bowls and popped on the oven, a brief moment of happiness hit me. It reminded me of mom. God I miss her. Soon after that was snapped away when Anies just started yelling at me for no reason. At this point, the unending weight of everything came down on me. I proceeded to put everything away. I was absolutely disgusted. Every emotion hit me like a wave. I broke down. 

3 years. Not bad. 

The emotional fuckall had begun. As I sat at my desk battering down the hatches for what I knew was going to be a fight. I just started crying. I tried explaining what the fuck was going on to Anies, as I just lost it. Let’s be honest. I’ve been harboring some serious shit on the inside for a very, very long time. I have been through, probably the absolute worst over the past 3 years. It’s not an excuse. It’s the experience of what I have had to endure, witness, feel, and overcome. I have been literally fighting for my life since Mike got married. As I went into meltdown, Anies knew what was happening. I told her that I’m just trying to stay alive. That I’m trying to not be a burden or a bother, and that I’ve genuinely tried staying out of her way because I know that this is what she does every year, but then explained to her very clearly that she has been paying attention to the wrong things. I’ve been in trouble for at least the past 3 months. It’s taken every ounce of my soul to get out of bed every morning. Put in as much time as I can with work. Thankfully I’m still employed. I’m just so grateful. Truly I am. 

I then just cried non stop.  It needed to happen. It felt right. Justified. Everything went through my head as I cried. The ups, the downs. Good and the bad. All at once. My mind was just racing. Shortly after however, the pain. Oh god. What happened. Immediately went for the dilaudid. It’s getting worse.  It’s begun. I’m going septic. I know it’s coming. I feel it. I know when it’s coming. Can’t stop that fucking train.  The gagging sensation is back. The burning throat. Great. Let’s just toss this on the fire too. I sat and tried to tell Anies that she’s setting these unrealistic and false perceptions that she thinks I have about stuff with her. I told her how I felt. That she needs to just stop. It’s that simple. Somethings are just not worth worrying over. Stop focusing on the minutia of things and being caught in the cycle. Just focus on the big things. What really matters. And that’s when I said what I’ve been feeling for quite some time. 

I don’t matter. 

There. It’s out there. It’s felt this way for some time. Yes. I’ve been going through these motions myself. Causing this problem myself. Yes. I should be speaking up more often and communicating better, however with the given circumstances. Things with respect to “me” have taken a back seat. As my focus as just been trying to survive. To simply put it. This has been a daunting task. It has taken every once of myself to just get here. Going through the motions, I was spot on with everything I said to her. I was mostly disappointed that this had to happen, but I think in the end it was probably best that it did. Gets people to pay attention to what matters. And the only thing there is us. We. We both rely on each other in so many silent and unappreciated ways. 

I’m still hungry. But that’s taken a back seat. As I sat at my desk, I probably cried for a solid hour or so. Between the emotion of what just happened, and the overbearing amount of pain I have been enduring, it made no difference. I ran through probably 2 rolls of toilet paper. Nervous breakdown completed. Soon after the exhaustion started to set in. I was just drained of everything. I’m just empty. I managed to make the meatloaf. Hours later, but still had it. It was everything I hoped it would be.

Took a shower, then moved the pillows to the couch. I’m just hurting at this point. It’s bad. Under my tongue was just the absolute worst. It’s so swollen it’s not even funny. 

As my birthday went along. The pain was unrelenting. Like I have never experienced something like this in my entire life. Throughout the day I continuously broke down. It’s been traumatizing to say the least. The emotional payload that I’ve been carrying along with the pain and whatever the fuck else wanted to come with. This has just been a marathon that I just want to be done with.  I did manage to get some game time in. Hell. That’s all I can really do anymore. It helps pass the time. It’s a distraction from the now. The around the corner. Gaming has always been there for me when I’ve needed it. Giving me the escape I’ve needed to get through some tough thing. It also allows me to just be able to cope. Really. Coping with everything as of late, as you can imagine has been pretty fucking brutal. It ended with Anies giving me a back rub in bed. Her touch is the most wholesome thing. 

The next day was strange. I awoke from Anies slowly waking me up. But my body felt just weird. It started with what felt like a nothing. My body as a whole felt… different. Not like every morning where I would wake up in fucking writhing agony. My body woke up in sections. Typically my face and jaw would be the first thing that I would consciously be aware of. But the pain was …  gone. For now. Perhaps a step in the right direction?  Maybe. Just maybe.  We are gonna turn the corner here. I got out of bed. As I stood up, and the weight was on my feet something was really wrong.  As I looked down, holy Jesus fuck. My right foot has gone King Kong. It’s literally 3x bigger than the left. Great.