Ill Communication

Just like it says ill. I cannot describe how bad this really is. My face feels like it’s just on fire. The pain has been absolutely unreal.  Going through morphine. It’s immobilizing to say the least.  It’s probably the worst pain I’ve had to date. There is something in my cheeks.  Recurring complaint.  Nothing new there. 

As I got back to work this week from last weeks “vacation” @ Swedish, as each day went by, the pain has gotten worse and worse. That strange smell is back again too. Cat piss. As this pain has become so fucking unbeatable, add yet another thing to the growing list of shit I have to deal with.  Pus started coming out of my lip now. It’s just fucking disgusting. I feel fucking gross. I’m just absolutely miserable. 

As I sat in the chair this morning having the implant guy look at me, it was quite apparent that this guy didn’t fucking care at all. He was very adamant about saying that the implants are out and all these issues would go away. “Ok buddy” echoed in my head. Stop trying to cover your ass and help me. Yes. The implants are the direct reason why I’ve had so many problems. Yes. You fucked up, but you’re trying to “cover it up”. Sorry my dude but the attempt at which you are trying to reassure me that it wasn’t the implants just needs to stop. Kinda pathetic at this point. He really didn’t even want to examine me or look in my mouth today. 

That’s when I brought up the whole swelling/sore that appeared right after the implants were pulled. It’s probably the most disgusting thing ever. The floor of your mouth where it meets your tongue. Just swollen. He reluctantly popped on some gloves and felt it. Long pause. He then started feeling around my mouth. He started feeling the things I was pointing out. He suggested I see ENT. Yeah sure thing dude. I’ll have someone clean up the Armageddon you created in my mouth. I will NEVER go back to that fucking place ever again. Sorry but the dishonesty and unwillingness to help was very clear at the end of this. I just wanted help. Didn’t get that.  At all. The CT scan I had done at Fauchard clearly showed that the implant you placed where 21 is supposed to be was popping through. Yeah. You said it’s “no big deal”, but look at what your “no big deal” did. I anguished an entire year trying to get to the bottom of things and the whole time it was the fucking implants. I just love the fact that you would just dodge me every time I would tell you something felt wrong. I mean. How could you actually not help someone that had continued to tell you somethings wrong. Ever since the first implant failed, it’s just been misery. I am however, really glad they are gone. It just sucks it took this long for him to listen. 

That’s the harsh reality in this whole fucking ordeal. I just want to get better. I want to start living again instead of surviving, and fighting to live every day. It has been truly exhausting. The mental challenges this has thrown me is something else. Someone I met through the CVID support group has been helpful as of late. It’s been nice just talking to someone whose sort of in the same spot as me. Someone who can relate.  One thing that she had mentioned is PTSD. As I looked at those words on my screen I stopped and looked at it. She more I looked at it, yeah. This whole ordeal, since 2018 has been pretty fucking traumatizing. From all the ERs, the surgeries, arguing with shitty doctors, and having my nervous breakdown. This has just been one wall after another. 

I threw in the towel again tonight. It’s just gotten to the point that this has gotten really hard to deal with. As much as I wanna stay home, rest and recover. It’s really hard. My sinuses just fucking hurt. The brownish / bloody shit that keeps constantly coming out when doing the rinses makes me really wonder what the fuck this really is. Wife and I piled into the car, but chose a different Er this time. Sky Ridge. We decided this one in the hopes of being able to have her come in with, but as we pulled up “No visitors”. As I walked in the waves of pain really started to punch me in the face. Security was suck a hassle this time. I just wanted to sit with registration and get going on this stuff. The nurse at the desk was a familiar face. Same nurse that was here last year when all this stuff started. She was curious as to what was going on. 

As I gave her details, the bp cuff with the typica squeeze made my heart start to feel kind of weird. After a quick wait I was called back. As I got up from the chair, weakness started to set in. I’ve never felt that before. As we walked back the typical questions came out. I answered them. Gave them the short summary of what’s going on. I was met by the nurse shortly after, arms full of needles, vials, the usual things I’ve grown accustomed to. 

As the first IV blew, I knew that it was gonna take a few sticks. I reassured the nurse that it’s ok. I’m a tough stick. After #3, we were able to get everything she needed. As she drew labs, the dr came through the door. I became brutally honest with her. The nausea set in as I was explaining things. My head just started to throb. I showed her the sore in my mouth. Showed her the crap in my mouth. I told her that I just done feel good. To my surprise, she ordered everything I had at Swedish day 1. Rocephin, Vancomycin, and dilaudid. 

I did ask for an MRI instead of a CT this time, but they CT’d me anyway. I’m just beside myself that they gave me vanco. 

As per usual, nothing on CT. Nothing crazy w/ labs. The other Dr came in a bit ago, same guy I had here last year unfortunately. Told me the usual stuff. I knew I was getting admitted tonight, but I’m super grateful that I got what they gave me. It will help. I know it will. 

Tomorrow I see Hepworth. I managed to somehow get in to see his NP/him tomorrow @ 8:40. I need him to listen. I need him to help me. It’s really come down to him.  I think I’ve run out of drs here in Colorado. As sad as that may sound. I’ll also give the ID group a call tomorrow to see if there is something we can do medication wise. It’s quite clear what I’m on.  It isn’t doing what it needs to do. 

Who fucking knows what this is anymore. I’ve had to give up a lot to get me to this point. Taking the implants out was the best decision here. I mean before the implants, it wasn’t like this. Yeah, the rashes were a thing, but Jesus, did shit go fucking sideways.