Shutdown

I don’t know what’s going on anymore. The toxicity of the metal in my mouth has taken its toll. I am not certain, but it seems like more damage was done. The human immune system is fascinating with the fact that it will defend itself like nothing else. From my previous post, the kidney stones were unbearable. The amount of pain I’ve endured is unreal.

Never would I have thought this is what was going to happen. Nothing can prepare anyone for something like this. I’m exhausted. I’m constantly nauseated. It hurts to move. Lately my face just. Hurts. I cannot escape this feeling. My mouth just feels swollen. It hurts all the time. The more I talk, the more it goes numb. The gagging feeling really hasn’t gone away. 

Is this my body actually recovering?  Or is this how things are going to be?  I can’t tell what the fuck is going on anymore with my body. I’ve tried so hard to just keep my head above water, but as of late this feels like a losing battle.  As I sit and reflect, this is what suffering really is. Between the septic episodes, doctor visits, hospitalizations, constantly getting stuck. There comes a point where one starts to ask if this is all really worth it. 

Anger is an easy emotion to talk about and display. Anger is really the only feeling I have for the asshole who did this to me. Sat there. Did nothing. The countless doctors I sat and complained to. The empty stares that I got. The literal stupidity of people. I’ve accept the fact that I hate ignorant people but fuck, it seriously is surreal trying to tell someone who has the capability of helping, and they in turn deliberately do nothing. When you have spent about $60,000 to just. Survive. It’s truly disgusting that nobody really cares. I’ve tried being patient. I’ve tried being understanding. I’ve given every ounce of my soul to just survive. 

But as I sit here, I’m tired. Exhausted. I just want to give up. The sheer amount of pain, torture, and illness has broken me. It’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Just to get my body to move is getting more and more challenging. The weird sensations I feel in my face continue to come and go. It’s not pins and needles. Specifically my jaw will just start to pulsate. Where the metal was removed. I feel my heartbeat come and go. The constant burning sensation I feel between my eyes, and the sides of my nose. The pressure comes and goes from my sinuses. The triminaclone paste is use just does whatever.  

I’m continually feeling these hard red bumps on my face. They flare. They come, they go. Unexplained what they really fucking are. Stuff comes out. It’s the same thing, hard granule-like stuff. The redness on my face also comes and goes, my skin will get warm. Then it calms down. 

Tomorrow is surgery. Again. Hopefully this will be the last of the kidney stones, but I don’t this will ever end. 

I’m so tired I can’t think straight anymore 🙁