Diagnostic

Today was a really bad day. I’ll forgo the usual crap I talk about and just talk about what felt like a out of body experience today. 

As the afternoon rolled in, so did a storm. Holy fuck I was crippled. I am really not sure how to describe what I felt but there was a strange pressure building in the back of my head. I wrote it off as “just another pain”. As the storm got closer the pressure shift was unreal. When I got up from my chair to grab something from the kitchen, I felt extremely light headed. Almost like I was super light. Then my body reminded me that I’m not allowed to feel anything nice, I had to go straight to the floor and just try to regain my balance/composure. 

I am not sure why this happened. This has never happened before. You hear of people having knee pain when a storm rolls in, this is a whole new level. 

Between my ears, eyes, and face the ever shifting pressure was just intense. Yes. It hurt. However, it’s something I’ve never experienced. 

Main reason today is a shit sandwich is I met the OMFS that did my metal removal. Over the weekend the facial pain was increasing. Got to the point where I had to cave and have a dilaudid. The pain would let me do anything else but lay on the couch while doing my infusion holding my head. And yes, constantly pulling shit out of my skin.  Similar to the last couple weeks where I just sat in bed and removed grains after grains out of my body. Shoulders, chest, neck just produce this grainy hard substance. It’s the same stuff that was coming through my face too. 

It then dawned on me. Something is wrong. I have never felt like that before. My thoughts seemed scattered and distant. I know where I was in space / time, however the drive that pushes me to where I need to go next… we’ll just mark that up as a no show. For once on my life I stood in the kitchen listening to a conference call I join sometimes and I’m glad I did. Gave me so visibility into the chaos which circulates around the problems we face. 

Device isn’t working correctly, I talk a look and notice that the optically receive power is a bit on the high side, easy fix. … optical padding. After showing the group I started to look at something else but was pulled aside. After showing the concerning errors and problems just overall, I still felt that I had the correct Step #1 to possibly fixing what sounded like a chronic problem in an area we serve. Apparently that’s not what I should have done ?. I discussed it with my college, then after a decent explanation, it was reversed. 

Lately at work it’s just been hard. To focus. Keep up. Try to be helpful as much as I can. More times than nought, all the medical crap still takes it’s time in my brain when I should be focused. But it is a definite challenge to keep that primary focus. I know that this will hopefully fade away once all the medical issues are done. But who am I kidding. I’m just waiting for when my shoes don’t fit anymore. I dread what’s around the corner. 

This illness basically screwed over my professional career. I was doing so well too. But I I guess I need yet another overflowing helping of reality. 

I’m just hoping i can continue to weather whatever comes my way. It’s just getting harder and harder each day to get back up.