Thin

The past few days have been .. miserable. The facial pain and jaw pain has been rising. Since the kidney issues, I feel like I am spiraling out of control.  As I was collecting things for my attorney, I was just looking over correspondence from UC Health.  As I read moreover, it was just disappointing to re-read the stupid shit both my old GP and ID Dr said. That’s when I ran across the ENT Dr who actually tried to help. She’s honest. Open. Something that most doctors don’t have. Compassion goes a long way. So just out of the blue I sent her a message with what had happened (haven’t seen her since my clot), she actually replied, then it got me thinking. What if I give her another chance?  She was never rude. Helped me when I asked for it.

Her response told me I had piqued her interest. That maybe I could find a way to figure this out. Since the MRI in January, it talked about inflammation in my jaw. But was obscured by the metal. As I sit and am in just dire misery I just straight up asked her if we could meet. This morning when I woke up, things have been getting worse. So in desperation I called and actually snuck in an appointment with her. I went over what happened. Showed her all the pictures of the metal. The ongoing problems. The MRI from Mayo was the center of the discussion. My face continued to hurt as we talked. I broke down. Trying to “keep up” is something I’m falling behind at. This has really worn me down physically and emotionally. She agreed with everything I said. I mean I’m not lying. You cannot make up what has happened. The medical records speak for themselves. 

I just want to get better. I want to be out of pain. I want to have somewhat of an ok life (whatever that is). I just want something to go my way. The struggle has been insane. I’m just nauseated as I write this. My cheeks and chin just burn. It really hurts to talk. My vision has also been blurry. My ears have just been ringing non stop. I’ve noticed that I am getting what feels like dizzy. I have to stop and close my eyes to try to get straight again. 

I read the demand letter that my attorney drafted. Fuck. How did this even happen?  How would someone just be so fucking careless. Everything played through my head as I talked to the Dr today. It was just so frustrating. 

As I drove home the pain started to hit me harder and harder. I had to sit at my wife’s work just trying to gain my composure. 

At this point this has been emotionally exhausting. Everything feels like it’s caving in. I feel so thin it’s not by any means an exaggeration. I’m so thankful that I have a true partner in life. I don’t know where I would be with Anies. 

She is amazing.