Change

Man. You rewind back 10 years ago, none of what’s happening now, was happening back then. Going out. Partying like no tomorrow. Spending time with friends. Really starting to focus on my career. Nothing equips anyone for what I’ve had to endure the past 2 years. It’s been non stop. Ride from hell. 

When I think back to how things were. Time moved slower. Things that should have mattered, didn’t. When you have your health, it’s one of those things you just place in the background. You’re young. There’s no way this stuff can happen. 

I still remember my moms call. Happened around this time. It was heart crushing to hear her tell me what they found. It’s almost like it was a trigger. I broadly remember things just being weird since that call. It’s almost like something hiding started to come out. Around the same time, I started traveling internationally. I still miss it. I don’t miss the 10 hour plane flights. South America holds a special place in my heart. I remember coming home from Brazil, I didn’t feel good. I wasn’t sure if it was the food or whatever. I tried my best to stay away from any ice or water. My teeth at that time started to just do weird things. This was when root canal hell started. The every other month visits to convienent care. 

I guess I never paid attention. It’s never too late, however, I fault myself for not keeping on top of it. You’d think that the doctors you were going to and being treated by would actually care as much as you did. It’s that false assumption that led me to that place of “whatever” with my healthcare. One thing that I can recall that would come and go was “the fog”. It was just that dull reminder that would make you not focus. It would come and go everytime I needed a root canal. 

It was a warning sign. As are most of the things that happened. The snowball at the top of the mountain was well on its way down the hill. I think the major alarm was the jaw infection of 2015. Not gonna lie, I freaked the fuck out when I started looking in the mirror. The throbbing of my jaw wasn’t like the previous root canal treatments. It was my heartbeat combined with a strange sensation of what I can only describe of my skin dissolving. That’s literally what was happening. The two black spots on my gums grew from little needle pricks, to white nasty pus just surrounding the area. It was nauseating. I still remember texting in panic mode to the dentist who did the root canal earlier in the day. I was scared shitless. I had no idea what was coming. 

After the surgery I was absolutely miserable. I felt so bad because my kids were there for the summer. I couldn’t do anything. It was paralyzing. I just remember coming home from the procedure and just crying for an hour. It was the most pain I’ve had ever experienced at the time. Hidden under a cocoon of protection, the surgical site was just unbearable. Smoking probably didn’t do me any favors. I’ll admit I was severely stressed out back then. Living in constant fear of I guess failure. Not being able to make it. Smoking was one of those things that temporarily made everything “ok”. As disgusting of a habit it is, it’s strangely intoxicating. Even to this day, I’ll smell it from time to time and I think Jesus that smells amazing, but then it brings the memories of that day back, and my craving just goes away. It’s safe to say that I associated my smoking with the decline of my overall health. 

As a kid I was constantly surrounded by it. I was stupid. Aren’t we all when we are younger?  As I think back, it’s probably contributed in a large negative way. I remember when I started smoking. At the time I though it was an “ok” thing to do. Again, my health wasn’t where I am today. Yeah. I got sick, but not more often than usual.  Most of my illnesses I just chalked up to my bad habits.  

Acne has been something that I guess has plagued me since i became a young adult. It was just the typical acne that most kids had in school. I really thought nothing about it. As I got into college it stayed around. I thought it would just go away. When I started getting my ear piercings, that’s when the issues somewhat started to get worse. I remember my earlobes would start swelling with fluid. I would actually drain my ears. It would just endlessly come out.  It was mostly clear fluid. It wasn’t pus like. A few years later, it came back. I wound up going to the dermatologist in Elmhurst. Couple times. They would just lance my ears and drain. Nothing ever came of it. 

The dermatologist in Chicago was probably when things started to get worse. When the guy put a 2 inch scar on my face removing a couple cysts. He probably spread it more. Ever since then the cysts on my face just got worse. Every visit became a digging session. When I moved to Lisle, I start going to the big hospital for dermatology. It was still something that has never gone away. All they really did was inject my face with steroids. It did nothing. The accutane did nothing. The acne became more and more cystic. I would empty them frequently. It was definite pus. It burned. It was extremely painful. I could never get a straight answer. Everytime I took one out, more would show up. Maybe at this point it started to get deeper into my body. It’s hard to say

I’m sure that I was doing myself any favors. Again. I ignored the warning signs. 

The past week symptom wise has been … difficult. My vision is starting to suck. It’s not your ordinary problem either. I’m finding it hard to focus on distant things. It’s like the farther away things are, it takes an immense amount of focus and educated guessing. Maybe I’m cheating a vision problem that has been noticeable getting worse. Secondly. I’m feeling slower. Not from a physical standpoint, but from a mental perspective. It’s taking more effort than usual to recall things. It’s that fog I was previously talking about. It’s just presenting itself in a more prominent and noticeable way. 

The red spots on my face keep flaring. From time to time they just. Burn. They feel deep. Pimple-like sores that just hurt. They are sporadically distributed across my cheeks and nose. My chin and cheeks also show them.  The other skin related thing I notice is that my arms are showing these strange red … plaques?  They seem more prominent after a shower, however, they are becoming more and more noticeable. It doesn’t itch, hurt or anything. But I can tell it’s getting worse in the sense that what started as a small spot had grown to a sizeable area on my arms. 

I called my dermatologists office today and scheduled with him. With the spots on my face, and what’s going on my arms. The other 2 things that are bugging me is the cyst on my ear, and what feels like two cysts that are on my left cheek where the calcinosis was previously removed. It’s hard to explain, but is this possible scleroderma?  I mean ever single thing that’s been removed from my face has shown inflammation. Whether it’s what my dermo removed, or the “mucoceles” removed from my inner lip. That’s a theme. The swelling that I’ve complained about before is still there. It’s an uncomfortable reminder on my face. It seems to go cheek to cheek. It’s not so much noticeable from head on, but from different angles it just looks peculiar. 

The last thing that feels strange is the lump/bump on the left side under my tongue. I’m not sure. But it seems related to the lumps I feel on the front side of my face/jaw. It’s like it wraps around from the tongue side to the front of my jaw. Yeah. The MRI I had showed nothing, but fuck man, that’s what I feel. With that, I called the ENt’s office. The same one I met right after fuckhead told me he had nothing to do with what’s going on. From what I remember hearing from what she said, it could be a blocked salivary gland. Seeing as how my body has decided to leave random calcium things throughout my body, it’s a great question. 

I’ll know more later this week.