No Escape

The past few weeks has tested every ounce of me. Between work, health and home. When does it all end?  Seriously?  I would love some sort of reprieve or break or honestly a fucking end to all this. Ever since the implants were placed I’ve been in a downward spiral. Last Friday I was called by my attorney that informed me that they won’t be continuing with my case. I’m sorry but you had my case for 7 months, literally sent 1 letter to an insurance company. My anger and frustration was held back while the guy made excuses, tried playing to me as if I was his “friend”. I’m sorry but I’ve had to tell you 4-5 times to actually do something. The frustration I’ve had with them is maybe a blessing in disguise. He forwarded me info for another attorney whom I meet next Friday. I guess we will see. All I know is that this is all I fucking needed on top of everything else. 

I personally feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Every corner I take, every move I make, is met with resistance and things just not going any which way in my favor. The frustration I face on a daily basis is starting to take its toll on me. I used to be happy, easy going. Everything has turned me into someone who is angry most of the time. Constantly in pain. It feels like everyone around me just takes me for granted. As of late I just feel as though as if I’m being constantly taken advantage of. Being put in unnecessary uncomfortable spots. I used to enjoy helping people. Going the extra mile. Just blindly going along with it thinking oh it will come back to me. 

It’s not. 

The only positive thing I can talk about is the jaw surgery I had last week by Dr. Rollert. I can honestly say that it has turned my spirits around with doctors. I’ll be honest, I fucking HATE doctors. “Sorry there’s nothing more I can do”. I disagree. There’s plenty that can be done. This is the fucking 21st century. He actually just listened for a change and made a game plan and executed. Yes. The past 2 weeks have been fucking miserable. And I do mean miserable.  Between feeling my heartbeat in my jaw, and the uttter and sheer pain I felt has got to be the worst I’ve ever felt. Fucking on par with the kidney stones, or the day after sinus surgery. The burning sensation that has been in my face for more than a year has actually abated. I don’t wanna be all positive anytime soon as I know where that has gotten me in the past. I’m continuing the antibiotic regimen I’ve been on for 2 weeks now and I’m not sure if it’s helping. I can say that I do feel somewhat better. 

I would have thought the oral pathologist this week would have done something. He didn’t. Typical doctor. Oh yeah I feel the bumps, yeah those aren’t normal. Nah. We don’t need to do anything. Seriously fuck you. Fucking con artist do something. 

So instead I emailed the ENT at UC Health (I know) to help me with these. Last meeting I had with him he agreed to take some out and take a look at them. That’s what needs to happen here. I’m pretty sure they are a byproduct of what I can only describe as tainted bone grafts. I mean Pomeranz seriously, you can’t fucking do anything right. I’m surprised he can tie his shoes. 

Work has just been disheartening, demotivating, and exhausting. During Covid we lost 9 people. 9. Lost due to just people moving on. Finding something else. Getting out of the dumpster fire. People will take their talent elsewhere. 6 of which shouldn’t have left. The rest kinda won’t be missed. I’m not being negative either. Sadly this group is falling apart.  No matter how much effort I put into the group it’s just negated. I’m sorry but you cannot work for this group for as long as I have to have a basic understanding of what we do or how things work. Our group is in the hands of someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck, not takes any responsibility or accountability. I was supposed to be on call today, which quickly evolved to actually having to work. Shit communication. Everyone just assumes “oh he will always help”. 

I’m. Burned. The. Fuck. Out. 

Not only work, but from life in general. I’ve spent the past 2 years just… surviving.  I’m just close to giving up. I haven’t been genuinely happy in about a year. With myself, or anything for that matter. Money does not buy happiness. I just want and end to all this. It’s been exhausting keeping up with everything. Yes. I am glad I removed my father from my life. He has never had any positive impact on it whatsoever. It wasn’t helping me in any way having that in my life. Maybe some great life change is headed my way. Maybe. But I don’t take anything for chance anymore. It feels as though as if as of late there is no escape from where I am or what I am having to endure. I wish my mom was around. I really do. She would be able to guide me to the next step. I feel lost. Broken. Unable. 

I doubt anything will ever go my way anymore just based on how things have been for the past 3 years. I know I’ll just continue to lose. I’m fighting a losing battle. In the end it will just be me. And that isn’t much. I’m starting to just lose myself every day more and more. I have accepted that this is no longer in my control. There is nobody at the wheel anymore.