Apathy

If 1 word would describe how I’m feeling about things. It’s apathy. I’ve seriously stopped fucking caring. No matter what I do, or say doesn’t matter. Nobody is listening anymore. How do I feel?  Sad. I’ve felt like this for awhile now. I’m also angry. Why?  The pain won’t stop. My mouth hurts 24/7. At least the pain in my jaw is gone.  Oh it’s all on whatever is in my face. 

Red spots have started to appear all over my face again. Like tiny burning pinpricks. I my mouth, the cluster of glands on the right side just burn. They pulse. Annoying as fuck. I keep humming at them thinking I can get them to burst. Which would be awesome, but I’m sure at the same time probably not ideal. But again. Don’t care. This has just gotten more and more worse as time goes on. I’m sure this has just been there waiting for me to address it. Seems like the immuglobulin is the antagonist. After every Infusion it starts to hurt more. Just a vicious cycle. Blood chunks continue to come out of my sinuses. The rinses help, h by ur shit gets trapped often, and I end up having to lean over and wait for gravity to help me out. Brownish/reddish chunks. Weird white clumps. Bright red blood. Just takes turns what’s going to come out this time. 

Going to that “patgologist” in Colorado Speings was a waste of time…. And money. I spent $250 for this guy to take a CT, and tell me it’s Sjogrens. Dude. My ENT asked you to do pathology. Not commentary. Won’t go back nor return their phone calls. But that’s when it dawned on me. UC Health. Called them up, got an appointment in 2 days. Not 2 months. I think going forward if I have to wait 5 months to see a dr, fuckem. That’s really too long to wait. Especially for what I’ve got going on. I fully understand that the Er doctors are really just no good. Don’t get me wrong they help, they give me what I need. It’s just having to explain myself repeatedly (that gets old fast). 

As I was driving back my TPMS went off again for the rear tire. Something is fucked up. I took it in to get fixed. Yeah I had to drop it off for a week, but at least I didn’t have to wait till next month to get it done. Yeah it’s probably gonna be a $800 bill. Hopefully the last. 

Today I had the minor salivary glands removed by UC Health. So far I am impressed by them. I’m actually getting help, and I’m being listened to. I knew that this biopsy was gonna suck, after I signed my name a few times and in walked Dr. Willis. Super nice guy. He wanted to see which ones were going to come out. I had I’m focus on the cluster of lumps in my right lip. I can feel about 8 of them and 1-2 at the bottom. Didn’t take long to get me numb and we got the show on the road. Opened up the mucosal barrier on my lip and just started taking them out. We had everything out within 10 minutes, stitches were put on and Wil that, I’ve been trying to everyone to just this simple procedure for over a year now.   And this guy just does it no problem. I was told up to 2 business days until I hear something back. As I took a look at them, they are just little balls of flesh. Dr did say they are way much larger and inflammed. Why do I sound so happy about that, I’m trying to get the glands tested for sjogrens.

Yup sjogrens. It’s a funny pronunciation, however it’s meaning is something that’s not deseriable. Sjogrens is a shit sandwich of an auto immune disorder where your immune system starts attacking your body in different ways. I’ve been feeling this coming for years. There’s always been some weird unexplained symptoms that come and go without and answer or an explainatiom.  Dry eyes. Dry mouth. Swallowing / chocking on simple things. The strange skin rashes. Spots all

Over my body. Aches too. Feels like I’m 80. Last but not least, the oral lesions that have been starting to hurt more and more. They don’t feel

Right or normal by any meas.  Everyone else wouldn’t remove them. Just give me dental paste and move along. Of all places UC Health. 

After the procedure, I was stitched up and cauterized. Then sent on my way home. 

I sped home knowing what’s coming. And it’s got  about 30 minutes before it wears off. As I got home I was Starting to feel it already. I slammed 2 Vicodin’s and just prayed. They barely took the edge off. .. this pain was full on burning me in the couch. I did have 3 hours before work, again. Thank god I can lay down. Every 5 minutes that went by, just cranked up the pain level just another rung.  As work began my face just started to hurt from every direction. And it just got worse every moment. I’ve packs barely helped. Took more Vicodin. Same result. This is no joke. I tired mouth rinses with peridex, ooof not a good idea. But I gotta keep it clean. I don’t need a septic stay at my favorite place. It’s been bad all night. As I sit here having the munchies, still hurts but not as bad. My chin is definitely discolored where you could see the procedure done at. Gotta eat. Something I’ve been bad at since I lost my teeth. 

Ease lire in the day I talked to dr neff the other ent about the facial pain with my nose and forehead. Wanted to see what else I could do or try. She started asking questions about the tumor. I sent her images and the post op report. So it’s safe to assume that if this keeps up I’ll be going back to ger for some help. She is really nice and helpful. 

How do I feel about the results? Honestly I better find something else if it’s no Sjogrens. The past year shit has just been free roaming through my face. This is either infection, or autoimmune. Or both. I know I’m close to figuring this out. It’s just taken way too long to get there