A Week Later

Exaustion, frustration, yet determination.

 

A week ago, my body told me I was in trouble.  I listened.  The past weeks something was wrong.  Heart rate speeding up, slowing down.  Blood pressure always high.  Never would I have imagined what was actually going on.  For as long as I can remember, my arm has been hurting.  Not your typical aches and pains, but loss of feeling, pins & needles.  Pain that would move up and down my bicep.  Up until last week, I was waking up at night gasping for breath.  Everytime it would literraly scare the shit out of me.

 

As I sat at the corner of the bed, my mind was always just racing.  Watching the ECG go by on my watch.  Seeing periodic PVC’s.  PVC’s are where the heart doesn’t fire properly. People get them all the time.  However mine were usually followed by tightness in my chest, breathlessness.  Strange sensations in my head.  I would keep telling myself that thing would be ok.  But really they weren’t.  The blood pressure cuff constantly told me irregular heartbeat.  Could even prove it with my watch.  But remember, I am just making this all up. The one thing that I am really proud of, is the fact that even though certain individuals have stood in my way, whether it be in my personal, professional, or medical life, that I persevere.  I don’t settle for “I don’t know”, or “It’s nothing”.  In my very fabric, my nature, I am a problem solver.  Since I was a kid, thats what I was always good at. Mental challenges.  Yeah, I wasn’t that kid growing up that was athletic, or muscular.  I knew I had something better, and no its not good looks.  Math, science….. nerd.  Yeah. Proud of it though.

 

I guess the one thing that is driving me, has been the unanswered question of what is this.  Albiet I may never get to the root cause, however, I have really unconvered a few things here and there that nobody would have even sought to look at.

 

As I sit here today?  How am I doing?  I honestly don’t know anymore.  The swelling that I have been feeling in my neck, cheek, and jawline seems to be reducing, as far as I can tell.  One thing that I noticed this morning when I woke up, was the fact that the rashes have started to return.  Not the exact same kind that I was getting in the past, but rashes nonetheless.  Same usual places, trunk, sides, back.  My arm has started to blister.  It’s really unclear if its something superficial, or if there is something else going on.  The blisters don’t feel the greatest, and they dont look like the blisters of before.  It’s unclear to me if they are gong away, or if this is something that I should be bringing up to my doctor or not.  I do have some triminaclone cream that I have had in the past for the rashes, so im giving that a go.

 

Last week I was supposed to get the implants removed.  I was really hoping that they would come out, unfortunately my body had other plans.  I am going to try calling the implant place tomorrow to reschedule, but I have a feeling that they are going to say that I will need a medical release in order to continue.  Roadblocks.  Thats all I have to deal with anymore.  Hurdle here, wall there, gaping abyss ahead.  Like fuck off.  Seriously.  I have really grown tired of all this shit I have had to deal with where there is someone “gating” me from getting to the next step.  Hopefully, they just reschedule it and move on.

 

I don’t think my body likes any form of metal, in or around it.  From braces, to crowns, dental implants… apple watches.. and wedding rings.  The warning signs were there, I just wasn’t paying attention.  As I look back at the past 3 years, its just been one thing after another.  Issues always popping up which distracted me from what was really going on.  Getting some really shitty medical care also didn’t help.  But fuck.  This has been one big mystery shrouded by problem after problem.

 

I contacted a vascular surgeon today.  Apart from getting the clots removed, there is another problem.  The subclavian vein in my right shoulder has stenosis.  Which is a medical term for closing.  The sad part here is that due to all the issues that I am having with metal, stents are the medical device used to help “reinforce” veins that have this type of issue.  It’s unclear at this time what we will do, if anything at this point.  I have read the material they are made of is Nitenol.  Which is.. you guessed it… titanium and nickel.  

 

As its quite unclear that I am or am not allergic to titanium, its quite clear that my body just has a problem with foreign objects occupying it. 

 

As I sit here, the pain still comes and goes.  That fucking feeling of something in my chest still haunts me.  The pain has gotten old.  The morphine helps, I just wish this would all go away.  I think back to last week.  I am feelig better than I was a week later.  I am just apprehensive at best.  

 

Having that numb feeling in my arm, ring finger and pinky.  The awkward pains.  The overall uncomfortable feelings I would have all day.  As is with everything, one can only hope that this is it, but knowing my own past, this isn’t it.  As I told a great friend tonight, that there will be a brighter tomorrow for them, when I reflect upon myself, it feels as though as if I am on borrowed time.  For the past 2 weeks, sleeping for me has been optional.  It’s been really hard for me to sleep, whether its the pain keeping me awake, or the hampster in my head.  From my last surgery, I had been prescribed ambien.  It’s helped in the past just shut me off for 8-10 hours.  I only have 3 left.  I’m thinking about asking my GP for 2 weeks worth.  My mind, and body needs rest.  Both have been used quite extensively the past few weeks, and I would love to give them the break they deserve.

 

Hopefully the consult with the vascular surgeon provides a solution, however, I just have a feeling thats just another wall.  Till next time.