Some Sort of Progress

Last Saturday was my 2nd induction treatment of ketamine. This time, the provider pumped me up to 90mg, I could tell a difference from last time. The whole pain free feeling it’s just unexplainable. Seeing how I’ve been in writhing agony since the implant fuck up.

I’ve experienced pain before, who hasn’t. But this shit is on a whole new level. Constantly there, nothing helps. No escape. Another thing people don’t calculate in, is the amount of mental focus lost due to it. Or maybe even mental agility. Most of that I blame on the opiates. I really don’t see how people get hooked on them. I really don’t. From a recreational perspective, this shit holds no value.

All it does is slow you down. Make you not care. Yeah maybe for 20 minutes when my face turns from burning / achy / throbbing pain to just numbness, and the feeling of “relief” happens. That’s all it does for me. Nothing euphoric. Then after I have to think through the thick fog it lays down. It’s not easy to do either. You spend more energy getting through the fog than actually acting. Doing. Thinking. Literally any action just takes more time.

Ketamine has been a breath of fresh air mixed in with jumping in water that’s ice cold. Yes, the euphoria you experience while on your “journey” can be anything. Just like any other psychedelic, you can have a bad or good experience. It’s all about how you go into it. Thoughts become amplified, so you need to be in an ok place.

I’m roughly at 3 days, and the pain hasn’t been bad per se, but it’s there, just not as bad as it was. The swelling in my mouth is still there. “My speed bumps” as I refer to them as. Those still hurt after eating and talking. The cysts in my face still burn, but not as much. It’s almost if the pain has been lowered down a few pegs, which is fine by me. 2 weeks ago, there was nothing to help me through all this. I’m pretty sure the whole rifampin thing didn’t help anything. But anyone who deals with pain knows that once the pain gets ahead of the relief, it’s hard to get it under control, you gotta stay ahead of it.

Doing just that has been a challenge up until this point. The dilaudid really did feel like it wasn’t doing it’s job, or even being effective. Ketamine seems to be doing what I needed it to do. Which is lower my pain. Another thing of interest, is I’ve been switching between the 8mg tablets and the 4mg tablets of Dilaudid. The 4’s seem to work better than the 8’s. I don’t know if it’s the different manufacturers or what but thats one thing of interest. It could very well be the ketamine doing what I needed it to do, which is reset my brain. I’m pretty sure being on opiates for the past 4 years hasn’t helped anything, however, it’s what I had to do to get to this point.

Today will be an interesting day. Today I have my full IVIG dose of 45g, and I’ll get to use my port for the first time. I’ll also get to almost do my old rate of 380ml/hr. Since last week’s determining I need 1″ needles, the infusion center did call and say that they did have them. I really hope it works, I just don’t wanna get poked anymore.

The only thing I’m dreading today, is Hepworth. I gotta be at the infusion center by 8, get accessed, start my stuff, then head up to the 2nd floor. I’m hoping that he’s in a good mood or whatever, because he needs to get this surgery done. I’m tired of feeling this shit in my face. I’m tired of my body constantly feeling “on”. I’m really tired of blowing pus out of my face every morning. I’m definitely going to bring up the polyp. That is concerning. It’s probably been there the whole time. Better out than in, but Jesus up until it came out, that pain was something else. The other things I’m going to bring up is having him remove the remaining ethmoid sinus on the right side of my face, and removing the sphenoids (way in the back of your head). I don’t want any more hiding spots that this infection can get to, and just come back. I feel like this has been a yearly affair. Not sure if it’s just my luck, or if it’s really where not enough is being done. I really don’t like the conservative approach to things. It’s time to really try and make this the last time we have to do something.

If things continue with no change to the surgery date, I think I have a better shot of making it to October. The ketamine has been a fucking game changer. That’s probably the most important piece of this puzzle, and I’m glad it’s working. If I can get a few days of relief so be it, it just sucks that I’ve gotta pay cash for all this. Hopefully Anthem will cover something from it. Something is better than nothing.

Hopefully today Hepworth will agree to the things I want done on top of everything else. I just seriously hope he’s in an attentive/friendly mood. It’s not the greatest when he’s not. Anies will be coming with me, and yes, she’s not happy about how long this has taken. Since she’s starting coming to the appointments, she’s starting to see that this is a real struggle for me. We’ve only been talking to Hepworth since March to get surgery done, I just don’t see why it’s taken 6+ months to get anything done.

I’m just tired of the delays. From everything, everywhere. Whether it be someone forgetting to do something, or just literally not doing their job. Today I should also hear back from Sedgwick on the approval of my STD stuff. The ADA (job protection) is in place until 9/25. I just need to get paid till then to make this all work. Its really stupid that you have to do everything for them. You sign a release form so that they can call your doctors, ask questions, get records, but these fucksticks NEVER do it. Last week I had to get HR involved AGAIN because the claim person I’ve been assigned just doesn’t do their job. I’ve sent countless things in, yet nothing gets done with them.

Hopefully the progress I’m making now just continues to go the right way, or the way I need it to. The light is literally right there at this long, and exhausting tunnel I’ve been stuck in for a long time. I’m tired of the obstacles, misdirection, gaslighting, and just ignorance tht I’ve had to deal with to get where I am today.

My next ketamine session is Thursday, which I’ll be stepped up to 120mg. Not sure how that’s gonna go. To me that sounds like a lot. But hopefully it will be the same/better experience than the last 2 times. Hopefully we can dial in the dose I need so I won’t need to do it as often as I am.