Something I’ve Missed

After yesterday’s revelation of the Rifampin bullshit, I slept almost 8 hours. I woke up at around 2am. Popped a dilaudid and transferred this husk into the bedroom. I’m tired. Just pain pain pain everywhere I turn.

Chronic pain is a fucking curse. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. It would be so much easier if it was my elbow, or my shoulder, or foot. 24/7, 365 is all I experience. Because it’s in my jaw, my face. It’s just inescapable.

I woke up around 6am to the typical jaw pain that I’ve grown accustomed to. I fed the two beebs (our savannah cats) and just tried to wake up. Today is a different day. Today is ketamine.

The anxiety set in right away. How’s it gonna go? Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to tolerate it ok? Lots of weird thoughts and questions.

Around 10, I jumped through the shower, and got ready for my appointment at 11. April came and picked me up and we headed to Klarisana. The 7 minute drive felt like an eternity. My anxiety went through the roof when we parked. The place is literally down the road from where we live. It was nice that we didn’t have to sit in traffic because if you’ve ever been to Denver, you know that people cannot fucking drive here. At all.

I got checked in, handed them my ID and card, and filled out the tablet stuff. Within 10 minutes of being there, I was brought back to the room.

I waited a short while, then the MA came in to do vitals. Go over what was going to happen, how it was going to happen. Very detailed. I was impressed. She then left to get the provider.

Lindsay came in. She’s the girl who did my intake. She is so nice. Very thorough. Extremely professional based on the circumstances. My anxiety started to come down. She somewhat reiterated what the MA said, then asked if I was ready. “Let’s go”. And with that she disappeared for about 10 minutes. As she came back she turned off the lights. Set the cool lighting in the room, and with that, I got jabbed in my left arm. 30mg. It stung a lot. Almost felt like a tetanus booster. As she left she got me a cup of water, and said “have a good journey”.

As the door closed I breathed a sigh of relief. That I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad I am doing this. I’m glad that I’m taking the right steps for me. Almost as if now I’m taking charge of how this is going to go, vs begging / pleading / arguing with the people directly involved in my care.

I turned on my music and just waited. It took about 8 minutes to hit me. And I was sent on a journey I’ve never experienced before. It was different than the hospital. I could feel the pain in my face, and mouth just melt away. I sat back in the recliner and just enjoyed every minute of the experience.

For those of you wondering what I listened to, it’s a DJ set that was recorded @ Vision Nightclub downtown Chicago. Yeah. The place doesn’t exist anymore, but the memories sure do. That’s where I met the love of my life Anies. I’m thankful that I was allowed to do the photography there. It paid dividends for my personality. The set was by James Zabiela. Recorded in 2007. It’s been a go-to 3 hour long set that’s just fucking amazing. Being there to experience the energy it created. I’ve had this set since then. It was just incredible end to end.

As the session progressed, so did my experience. The music probably elevated it. After about 20 minutes or so, the MA returned with the second 30mg dose. After about 5 minutes I felt void of all worry, guilt, anger, sadness, whatever emotion you want to place here. Foremost, the pain. It was GONE. I haven’t felt this in a very long time. The journey I took, the things I felt, thought, experienced, re-experienced I’ll keep private. Probably not the place to put on the internet right?

I could feel my brain repairing itself. Deep thought. Concious thought. It was just a positive experience end to end.

Around 12:45pm I started to return to my body. My body!? you are probably asking. Yes. Your mind leaves your body. It’s like time pauses as you enter and return. But time passes at the same time. I slowly moved from the recliner. And gathered myself. Got my hat, flip flops, and stood up. Woozy as fuck. It was like my muscles got a break from the noise too. As I opened the door, the MA met me and said that I needed to sit back down. I really needed to pee. Badly. So she was “oh sorry, let me help you, but just please come back”. I came back in, and sat down. Feeling good. But at the same time it felt like my body went through a marathon. Which really, it didn’t. It got the chance to rest. Uninterrupted.

Lindsay came back in, and talked about going home. Home care. Positivity. Reflection. Thought. The things that I knew needed to be done. I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.

April & I stopped by Starbucks for our usual stuff, and we headed home. I’m so grateful for the close friends I have. As I got home, I checked my phone to see if UPS delivered an important package. I sent my son his 21st birthday present.

Today is his birthday. So I had a quick call with him. And I spent the rest of the day on the couch and just rested.

As I write this, I’ve been pain free since 12pm. Fuck I feel great. Saturday will be round 2 of 6. Next visit I’ll be stepped up to 70mg.

I am totally looking forward to it.