Disappointing Progression

Seems like every time I post things just keep getting worse. More strange shit is showing up in my face. Last week I was in the shower just miserable. Doing my usual sinus rinse. That’s when the most disgusting thing came out. Immediately had the wife grab my culture sticks. Actinobacter baumannii. Never heard of it. Still. It’s bacteria that’s coming out of me  

This weekend even more came out of my neck. My sense of smell and taste is really off. My face hurt all day. It just comes and goes. Yes. It does feel better than I did about a month ago. That’s was absolutely miserable. I collected the pus anyways. I’m going to keep collecting and capturing every single fucking thing that comes out of me.  I dropped the sample off to my dermo’s office. Guess we will see in 3 days which new random thing I’ve never heard of shows up. 

I’ve honestly grown tired of doctors not taking me seriously, or believing me that this stuff is happening. It’s almost like I’m trapped in the twilight zone.  It’s almost comically silly at this point. I talked to ID this weekend about the culture, faxed it over. No response. Like fuck you honesty. This is what’s happening, please just do your job. 

The pain hit an all time high today. Normally I just let it hit me for awhile, but this pain is different. My face feels like it is moving. The burning sensations come and go from the tip of my nose and my chin. The inside of my mouth is raw. I’ve been having to use more and more of the triminaclone shit.  That and more frequent dex rinses. 

What has got me truly worried is tomorrow. I see Hepworth. Yeah. That guy. I’m really hoping that tomorrow he listens to me about the pain. The drill bit. All I can ask for is some compassion. And some help. And antibiotics. I know that last time he helped with the Linezolid. I really don’t wanna go on it again, but if I have to so be it. Honesty at this point, just put a midline in me. Vancomycin. And ipenem. From the two cultures, and what’s made me feel better in the past. This cannot be the new normal. It’s beyond me that it’s come to this. I’m hoping that Hepworth really takes the time to figure this out. Nobody else will. If he won’t go after the salivary glands in my mouth, I can always send a message to the other ENT at UC Health. He said he would pull them out. 

In any case I stopped taking the clindamycin and the steroids. My right leg as always started to swell up again. It’s pretty crazy that steroids to that to me. They never used to.  Just weird. 

The anxiety of having to return to work is slowly starting to build. February 2020. I haven’t seen my co-workers, boss, or the office since then. I am somehow thankful for Covid. Why?  Well. You know what happened in 2020. I don’t think I would have been able to keep up with my job in-office with everything that happened that year. Blessing in disguise. The secondary sinus infection was the worst. But I think the medial drill bit wins gold for most fucked up thing. Without Covid I wouldn’t have been able to just do what I could to … survive. Yes. I have PTSD from all of this. It’s pretty clear. I get upset at stupid things. I hesitate. A lot. Above all else, I’m exhausted 95% of the time. An email hit my inbox today. “Return to Office”. Yep. My accommodation is ending. I have no choice but to return to the office. Honesty it scares me. I’ve been protected by the comfort of my home. Been able to just work whenever. Now, it’s a return to the old ways. Stupid as it sounds, it literally is that. But now I’ll have to deal with being around people which as of late I fucking hate. Crowds. Shit, seeing a full parking lot at Costco spooks me. 

I honestly don’t know what to expect going forward. I know shutting down isnt gonna happen. Working from home or remote will not be an option where I am. Secretly I’m hoping that this lawsuit settles quickly. Why?  Debt. Security. Knowing everything will be ok for a year. I just want to be on with my wife. I want us to just do things whenever. I still remember 2016-2017, that was financially scary. But I guess it’s even scarier with all the debt my health has caused. 

Im sure COVID will flare up again, and start becoming more directly impacting than anything. People need to realize that this is the real threat and to pay attention to the well being of everyone instead of policiticizing this. It’s sucking with every headline I read. Antivaxxers. People refusing to get the vaccine, or proper healthcare. This is humanity. This is the stupidity we have to deal with. 

Hopefully work will be calm. I know it won’t be. Since we are hemorrhaging people. I truly know why it’s happening, but won’t put it in writing anywhere. It could be fixed, easily, but it won’t be. 

Sadly. 

The part that I dread the most is being around people #1. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love teaching. Getting them to think differently. But what scares me is that all it’s gonna take is 1 antivaxxing idiot to drag it through are side of the building. Thankfully one of the directors left (I wish they opened the position) for retirement. Leaving his office wide open. My boss said it’s ok for me to just use it. That will help with the anxiety a bit. But the last piece will be harder to fix. 

As I’ve noticed the interviews of folks come and go, the recurring theme I’m finding and seeing is that the candidates just…… aren’t engineers. Job posting definitely stipulates it. I think people have become lazy. Complacent. Not willing to put any sort of effort into trying to learn something deeper. Most of them don’t understand what I’m looking for. Yeah. Answering technical questions is my #1 focus, immediately followed with factual comments and maybe even some Arguable discussion counterpoints. I like talking about this stuff. I need to see the enthusiasm. But. I don’t think the engineers, nor people exist anymore.