Wide Awake

This whole not sleeping thing is getting old. I can’t shut off the pain out of my brain anymore. Wife gives me face rubs. A lot. Everytime she does it I can find calm for about an hour. Half the time, she puts me out. I was hoping for that tonight, but it didn’t happen.

Since the snot rockets came out this past week, the pain between my eyes has calmed down. It still hurts, but it’s not as bad.

My research on the internet concludes that what came out of my sinuses was a polyp. I should have saved it and had pathology done on it. The second thing that came out was most likely the infection that couldn’t escape. So at least that’s out of my head. It was becoming quite unbearable.

It’s just hard for me to sleep now. Today Aggie stayed home from work. She was supposed to go on another hike, but called it off. Since her last outing, she hasn’t been feeling well so it’s probably best to not push it. I’m all too familiar with that. I was hoping that maybe we could get out and do something today, but the pain in my mouth decides for me that I am not going anywhere.

My body shut down around 11. And I was out cold. The usual sleep when body says so. At this point my body can’t learn that night means sleep. Instead, here I am at 1am wide awake.

I wonder what a normal life is like. I used to have one. Until all this shit happened. I can only hope I get another dose of dalbavancin on Wednesday, but really Thursday will be what I’m really looking forward to.

Ketamine.

Yes, it’s gonna cost me $2,400. But at this point I feel it’s worth will outweigh the cost. When I was in the hospital it worked. The first dose was a definite whammy. I’ve never experienced something like that before. It was a rush. Then nothing. That feeling is something I’ve wanted for a long time. To not feel pain anymore.

Every surgery just made it worse. Slowly. But it’s at the point where Dilaudid does nothing for it. And it’s starting to win. It’s taking away my patience. My positive attitude. My all around good vibe. It feels like the tank is empty. And I’m just surviving on fumes. I’m hoping that it will help me regain some form of stability.

I’m ok dealing with some pain, that’s a given. Just not 10/10 while I’m awake. It’s just a rotten feeling. Knowing the infection is still in my face, yet it’s not a priority with Hepworth. It feels like my next appointment with him is so far away. Like almost out of reach. Like I said, I’ve run out of patience. My tolerance for things lately have just been short.

Would just be nice to be rid of this. Finally get back to what we were doing originally when we got here in Colorado.