Another Sleepless Night

The end of this week wasn’t ideally what I was thinking was going to happen with Hepworth. Got the call from his surgery scheduler… October 25th. Are you fucking serious almost came out of my mouth. She knew I was livid. She only made it worse by saying “Try to stay calm”.

Listen. I’ve been trying to stay calm. I’ve been trying to get through this till surgery. I’ve only been talking to him for surgery since what… April? But no. Let’s let him wait. I fucking swear I wish I had the ability to let people feel what I feel. The minute they got this they would be begging for surgery, antibiotics. Relief.

Last night while on the couch, another abscess came out. The usual yellow stinky, pasty, gross fucking shit that comes out. I’m so tired of this. This is constantly happening yet nobody wants to act, nor do anything to help. I know it’s not helping things by doing this, but at this point I could really care less at all. Maybe it will just make me septic again. But we all know that when that happens, I’m making all this up. Yup. Totally.

I woke up this morning to more pain in my face. Pretty sure it was from taking out the cyst the previous night. It’s just getting worse. The swelling under my tongue, the constant white shit I keep scraping out of the sores on the inside of my mouth. The shit around my neck and jawline just hurts now. It doesn’t matter. Whenever I eat, drink, fuck it doesn’t matter. Everything just makes it worse. Talking is becoming more painful.

I’m sure that this shit is now deep seated inside my entire head. You’d think that doctors would give a shit. They don’t. Nobody does. Because it’s not them. They aren’t going through this. They just have to make it look like they are “doing all they can”. When in reality it’s nothing.

I’m getting pretty tired of this new normal. I’m miserable. Every day. Every hour. I’ve been trapped in this hell for almost 5 years now, you’d think something would help.

Hopefully next week I can start ivig. I’m just done with scig. I’m just going to stop taking it. Yeah. I’m supposed to get some sort of immunity from it, but honestly I don’t really think it’s doing anything for me anymore. Nothing is.

I’m so tired. I can’t sleep. I’m constantly waking up. The Ambien doesn’t do what it used to do for me anymore. It just makes me feel more braindead than I already am.