Panic

Yup. It’s started. The sheer amount of pain and stress has met my tipping point today. I can honestly say that I am scared shitless. Beyond anything that I’ve ever had to wait for. Friday is less than 48 hours away.

I have no idea outside of the “informed consent” I signed for. Mastoidectomy. Sounds honestly terrifying to say the least. As I just read, and read and read, there’s really no definitive answer as what to expect from a realistic standpoint. It’s worrisome to say the least. Having to experience the kidney stone shit not only 2 weeks ago, and the stent removal, I honestly am surprised I have made it this far.

I am absolutely convinced that Pomeranz caused all of this. Yes. I had an infection in my jaw in 2015. You would have thought that it would have been fixed by the most painful surgery I’ve had in my mouth to date. And that’s not putting it lightly. I still remember sitting in the waiting room sobbing while my wife just looked. Yeah, I had to drive myself home from that. I honestly don’t remember the drive home. I just remember the sheer amount of pain.

Only after that, the issues got worse. I’m sure that when I slammed my head into Jared’s car this tipped something in motion I don’t think anyone would even fathom. It’s not coincidental that the infection is in the same place that I smacked my head. The infection that literally eradicated my entire mouth. I remember sitting in the endodontist’s office root canal after root canal. At the time its the only thing I knew. The cysts that were on the side of my face have been there for awhile. I really cannot recollect when they actually started. I know that it was there around 2010. Shit was absolutely disgusting. Pus coming out all the time. I was only fueling what happened in 2018. I guess the silver lining to going to my fathers aid merely made it all happen.

I never would have thought it would have me sitting here… writing this. Feeling this. All of it. There has been literally no escape nor reprieve to what I’ve been going through. To sum it all up its been downright relentless… my entire life. Having to survive my fathers physical and emotional abuse growing up, to being a father myself way to young, I feel like I’ve been cheated all my life. I don’t regret Emily, nor Andrew. They were a gift to me in many transparent ways. Surviving Becky’s constant abuse, the suicides, fuck i still remember sitting on those stairs just crying as Becky was in the hospital for the 6th time.

Divorce was the best thing that I could have done at the time. There was no good way out of that. At all. Being able to do Vision, and the nightlife stuff is something that made me feel good again, but I’ve never felt like that in a long time. Freedom.

Agnieszka is the only good thing in my life anymore. Marrying her was the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know how anyone can go through such an abusive relationship, to try again. Most people that would turn you sour, or rotten, I didn’t let it happen. Not a day goes by when I first saw her, and I think to myself, how did I end up deserving this. She has been so supportive, and yes, she had her challenges too. As my mom would say never a dull moment. With having to go through the financial scare with her and her uncle, to the car wrecks, to getting her green card, it was just worth it in every way.

I also talked to Sarid today. It was more or less a panicked call to figure out what the game plan is for surgery and the aftermath I know that’s coming. I did bring up the Hepworth debacle. I would hope to know that Hepworth is oblivious to what was said, or what happened. I would love to think that he’s that disconnected. Sarid said he would follow up, but I know from the past, that its going to go nowhere.

I mean lets be honest here. At the end of 2020, I came to his office with the thing under my tongue. And it was ignored. Repeatedly. Going to the other ENT was helpful in some ways, but didn’t address the main driving thing of what is causing all this. The imaging that I’ve had done, and yes, the Chernobyl amount of radiation my body has seen, has seen this for quite some time. The spot in my head has always been there, but nobody looked at it. I remember talking to Chad’s Dr friend, and he said it didn’t look normal, but it ended there. Countless doctors have had the opportunity to look and just didn’t care about it. Yes the human body is meant to be somewhat symmetrical, however, whatever the fuck is there, is clearly not supposed to be there.

I’m glad that Hepworth did take the time to look at the images, however, the whole thing with his scheduler left a bad taste in my mouth.. no pun intended. The swelling has somewhat come down. I’ve been taking selfies at least once a week, and there is quite a noticeable difference between what it was 3 months ago vs now. However, the pain is starting to change. It’s across my entire face, and neck. The pain killers do absolutely nothing for it anymore. Thus the panic.

I really don’t know what else to do, or say to these people anymore. Having chronic illness is something that I don’t wish upon anyone having experienced the amount and lack there of help. It’s pretty disgusting to think that I’ve just been overlooked by doctors for years. But its like i said in my blog .. first entry.. I’m either the success or failure of the American medical system, but I’m leaning towards option #1. I feel like I’ve just been kept sick so that I can just be financially destroyed to only not get any answers or help. I am super grateful for Dr Sarid, and everything he’s done, as well as Hepworth, but you would think at some point that a doctor would stop and say yes, lets just figure this out.

It’s disappointing that I’ve had to really advocate and probably become a gigantic asshole to people regarding my shit, but give me a fucking break already. I’m really curious as to if there is anyone else out there, that has experienced what I’ve had to go through. The insurmountable amount of stairs that I’ve been kicked down, to which I only try going back up to just get kicked right back down. I’m still here. I guess in a way a quality you could say I most definitely have is being persistent.

I know tomorrow is going to be much worse as the pain gets worse and worse, but just the buildup to surgery Friday. I am losing hope and faith. Not going to lie there. I don’t think the human body or soul is meant to experience this, to this extent. I understand now why mom chose to give up. This isn’t easy by any degree.