PTSD

People joke about it all the time. Eating food from this restaurant gave me PTSD. ETC ETC. For me I was also the same. Making jokes about it. I had a rude awakening yesterday. I’ll be honest. I’ve had countless surgeries since I paid that fucking idiot $20k. Every surgery marked me. Fear. Anxiety. I was always sedated. But why the fear, the anxiety?  Easy. Pain. 

Pain is something that I’ve experienced for the past 2 years. The mistake being have that fucking idiot just completely fuck up something so routine. Since then?  Absolute misery. When the first implant failed, watching him frantically panic and remove it, the pain started. I knew something was wrong. He reassured me that things were fine, making the open admission that nothing went wrong. 2 hours afterward I’m septic in the hospital. 

Next was having them all removed. Yes. I was sedated, but the pain that came after was indescribable. I remember just floating around the apartment on 30mg of morphine. Fuck I broke into my dilaudid stash. After caving to the pain, and an emotional breakdown, not even a week after the procedure, hospitalized. 

After being called crazy, and having munchausens, I left for Mayo. That’s when I found out what that fucking idiot did. The pain was steadily rising. Becoming more and more dependent on morphine. To just stand up. Be able to “work”. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try to do professional things while under the influence?  It’s near impossible. 

After discovering the malpractice that happened, I returned home in a panic. Yes. Panic. At this point I’m starting to freak out. I no longer trust doctors at this point. As I drove home I was messaging Mayo back and forth. It was quite clear what’s been causing all this pain. 

The oral surgeon that removed the bit was pretty much an asshole. As I got into his office I made it clear this was malpractice. I shouldn’t have told him who did this. I should have stayed quiet, and just focused on getting this thing out of me. Before I returned home, I got an X-ray from my dentist. It just confirmed what the MRI was seeing. When the oral surgeon did the CT, it was quite clear that there was metal there. And something else. The other thing I saw was this strange “white” thing on my jaw. Which explained why I was feeling this hard sharp object in my mouth. At the same time I was constantly pushing bone spurs out of my jaw. They were fucking painful as fuck. Yet again another surgery. Yes. I opted for sedation. The day before surgery however, the panic, anxiety, frustration, mistrust, and abuse I’ve taken kicked off a panic attack that just got worse as the hours went by. Valium. Fuck. The only thing that would calm me down at this point. It was hard to breathe, think. The surgery went well. The 5mm drill bit was removed. I was free from it at last. The pain that followed the procedure was unbearable. My cheeks started to get these strange bumps on the inside. At first they were just bumps. Which soon started to become uncomfortable. Which in turn, let to a burning pain. 

I returned to that oral surgeon who at post op started the excuse train and also tried explaining to me that this happens all the time, and that this is normal. That’s when I looked straight at him and said “Do you really think I’m that fucking stupid?”  I fully understand what’s going on here. With that. I left. To never return. 

Fuck doctors. Seriously. 

As time progressed the sores in my mouth worsened. I went back to my dentist and started complaining. She referred me back to a different oral surgeon. One Ive relied upon several times in the past. I needed pathology done. We needed to figure out why these sores are in my mouth. And whatever the fuck keep showing up on the X-rays and CT’s. The “white” spot. Now keep in mind all of my X-rays previously didn’t show this until after that asshole removed the implants. Which led me to the conclusion that it’s a bone graft. A bone graft gone bad. It’s when I started to use these facts with Lurcott, he started to distance. Yeah. That’s right. When a patient starts to advocate, the best thing to do is back away. This told me that he was talking to Pomeranz. He even fucking started saying that I shouldn’t go after him. That “shit happens”. During this same appointment, we discussed that an alveolarplasty should be done. 

As I read up on it, typically it’s done in quadrants. I assumed that Lurcott would have just done both the lower quadrants. Then that’s when my calendar popped up a reminder. I had another appointment with another oral surgeon. It was for the same thing. What’s funny, is that it’s the day before my procedure with Lurcott.  As I sat in the chair with Rollert, I melted down. I had yet another emotional breakdown. God. In front of a new doctor of all things. Thank god I was away from the waiting room. That’s when I told him what happened. It was almost like out of a movie you’d think. As I told him what happened the reaction on his face was fortelling. At the end of what I told him, his face said “what the fuck”. I could feel his anger. He came to the same conclusion. That I needed an alveolarplasty. 

The mistake I made is I didn’t cancel Lurcott. I should have just went with Rollert. After I left his office, you guessed it. The panic started to set in again. Another panic attack hit me by 7pm. That’s when I texted Lurcott about the procedure and if I could use Valium. His response was vague at best. He ok’d the Valium but didn’t answer if we were doing everything.

As I got to Lurcott’s office the panic was under control with the help of Valium. But as I suspected, he only zipped the 1 rough spot that was sticking out of my jaw. At this point the sores in my mouth started to hurt more and more. Frustration has started to crush my spirit. My attitude at this point has been starting to shift. You guessed it. The wrong way. I get upset over the littlest of things. My fuse has become none existent. My patience is all but gone. 

So the game plan is just go to Rollert and get my entire jaw done. But I’ve gotta wait. I have to heal from the last procedure. Thankfully Lurcott did 1 spot, and it took 3 weeks to heal. 

As those 3 weeks went, the pain in my jaw and face just started to get worse. The feeling of my heartbeat in my jaw is back. The burning sensations I’ve been feeling since the implants were removed have come back x1000.  I tried taking clindamycin and doxycycline thinking I could get ahead of this. Nope. Not working. Steroids took the pain down, but was never gone. 

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I called rollerts office. I expected that scheduling the procedure will be a month before I could get in. That’s when I was shocked to hear that they had an opening the next day. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?!?  Sign me the fuck up. Thankfully I got everything scheduled and yep. The next day at 10am. But with that. You guessed it. The panic started. As I talked to the scheduler I straight up told a summary of what happened and I’ll need something to help settle me down. I was able to pick up a sedative for the surgery day. I took Valium the night before. 

I can honestly admit that having the whole jaw done was the solution. He even commented that the “white” spot seen on the X-rays was in fact bone graft material that didn’t take. He did end up removing it. And holy fuck what a difference. My jaw feels normal again “minus” teeth :(. But the swelling I had in the front is completely gone. Yeah. The day after the pain was through the roof. I once again dipped into my dilaudid stash to get me through. 4mg every 4 hours. I didn’t feel much with that regimen. 

One thing that remained were the facial cysts. Rollert said do nothing with them. But I wanted to figure this out. So I emailed my ENT Hepworth what’s going on and what can we do. He referred me to an oral pathologist down in Colorado Springs. But just like Hepworth, it takes a month to get into them. My backup plan was UC Health. A month prior I went to a different ENT to get to the bottom of these sores. So either this guy or that guy will do it. As I sat in the chair in Kunkels office I was expecting he was going to remove a few and send them for pathology. Nope. Not even close. He felt them. Even commented they are swollen. But did nothing. This all being the premise that I’ve got Sjogrens. Yeah it’s that. In the back of my mind I just told myself to just go to UC Health and get them out. 

As I drove home, I got an appointment. Done deal. The past 3 weeks though I kept getting these red sores all over my body. My face. My chest. My back. They just burned. At this point my sinuses are starting to bleed. My face is starting to hurt like it did. Morphine once again.  This entire time I’ve been seeing my dermatologist weekly. He’s been injecting these with Kenalog. Yes. It helps. But it’s only temporary. I kept asking Dr. Schleve over and over if this is staph. He doesn’t know. The past 2 cultures grew nothing. So last week there is this sore where the calcium deposit was removed from. It’s never healed. It feels like a large cyst. This is the same spot I’ve made Schleve inject countless times. The last injection felt weird. Like he “hit the spot”. Throughout the week the spot got red, angry and just like that it opened up. I knew pus was coming out so I got my culture kit ready. After I squeezed out the pus, I made sure it’s the only thing the q-tips touched. 

As I sat at my pc this weekend, labcore popped up. Just like my previous post. Staph Epidermidis. This is #4. You have no fucking clue how infuriating yet liberating it is to see it. I’m proving them all wrong 1 culture at a time. It’s been found in my sinuses, and 3 times from pustules on my face. The pain I feel in my face. The sores. It’s not Sjogrens. It’s staph. 

How do I know all this?

Easy. The biopsy taken at UC Health showed nothing. It’s not Sjogrens. What this is, is my immune system attacking staph in my face. Every infusion I feel like shit. The labs that showed Sjogrens is a true false positive. Once again. Proving them wrong. 

But I’m straying from the topic. Or am I?  You cannot deny the amount of misdirection and literal stupidity that I’ve had to deal with. Why?  Nobody wants to do their job. They just want to check the boxes. Say they did xyz. 

This has been infuriating. The amount of stress this has caused me is unreal. Ever since the implant fuckup, my life has not been the same. I’m afraid to have anything done anymore without needing to be sedated. The sheer amount of panic and anxiety I feel leading up to these procedures is out of this fucking world. 

PTSD is real. Back then I would have said something different. The perspective I’ve gained over the past 2 years has shown me that PTSD can just turn someone upside down. The reason I say that is my remaining 6 teeth have been hurting. Falling apart. Decaying. Why?  I’ve stopped caring about my oral health. I really have. History has shown me that no matter what I do, it’s futile. A losing battle. 

So yesterday I had an appointment to get all 6 fixed. The outcome of that procedure was amazing. They look great. But it cost me a lot. Not money. But having my dentist witness what the past 2 years has done to me. As I sat in the chair the anxiety hit me like a freight train. As she picked up the syringe to numb me it showed. I started shaking. I forgot that the front teeth is the literal worst to get numb. There isn’t a nerve. As the first injection went in I lost it. I started crying. It was absolutely so painful. That’s when I told her that’s why I get sedated. Previously I’ve never had a problem in the dental chair. As the second shot went in, I went full fetal crying more. I told her I needed a minute. But you could see me shaking. God I felt so embarrassed. Defeated. Not me. The other 2 shots were just as painful. Holy fuck I’ve forgotten what getting numbed takes. 

The other thought is the bacteria has been hiding in my fucking shit teeth. And maybe this will help curb it. I sat in that chair for 2 hours. Having a non-stop panic attack. I went home just crying my ass off. God just get over it. I can’t. It’s quite clear that the past 2 years has changed me. 

Thursday I see Hepworth. And Monday I see my idiot infectious disease dr. Between the two of them. I will get this staph infection gone for good. 

PTSD is real.