Can’t Sleep

I’ve had nightmares the past few nights. Tonight I think I relived something from the deep dark past. It was about mom, and my abusive father. I don’t think it’s the Ambien doing it.

I saw her face once again. It was not what you would imagine. Felt like I went full on rewind 35 years ago. When dad would do his thing attacking me. She was calming me down.

Being so sick for so long I think has warped my mind. To think that the Mastoidectomy was the answer all along. It’s actually scary to think I went what, 2016-2022 with probably 30 CT’s and 6 MRIs. Everyone missed it.

I still remember looking at the mri from 2018, and asked my friends friend who was an ER doc. I knew it didn’t look right. I’m just super greatful Hepworth jumped on it. He knew exactly what I was going to point out before pointing it out.

Yes. I’ve had a tough history with that entire office, but I’ll say this. Once I get Hepworths attention, he’s on it. Just sucks that it took so long to get treated. Yeah. I was disappointed with the whole scope screw up thing. The wait alone has been fucking torture. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been complaining about it at every visit. It just sucks to get your initial appointment with him 6 months after the gatekeepers.

Tomorrow will be huge in terms of getting rid of the constant white shit out of my mouth. It’s gotten pretty disgusting. The whole underside where the ducts are are just swollen like fucking crazy. And the shit that I spit out every morning has worn out it’s welcome.

And with that .. the anxiety starts. It’s not as bad as the mastoidectomy, but going under sucks. The feelings you have as you wake up can run a wide range.

I guess being perseverant in getting answers to the real problems is what I’m good at. It’s been nice to actually have time to do it. STD was a blessing. Yeah, as always Sedgwick only said 2 weeks, but I’m glad I got both doctors to pellet them with what they already had again. I’ve been off since 7/8, returning 8/22. Hopefully this is it.

I know from my recovery, the mastoidectomy needed to happen. I no longer feel septic anymore. Which I don’t know the exact date it started, but it was right after the implants were pulled. Getting the drill bit out lessened it to a certain degree, but shortly after that, I was back at square one again. Soon after I had both alvelorplasties, something still wasn’t right. I tried going back to Lurcott to be told it was immune related. God I hate it when they use that line

Hopefully tomorrow gets me closer to 90%. I really want to know what the fuck has been going on. I feel like I’m moving in the right direction anyway.