Fire

After the kenalog shots last Friday, I would have hoped that my face would calm down. 

No. 

Saturday I was pretty miserable. It’s the same thing. Burning mouth. Face. Ugh. It’s just a cycle. 

Sunday weird enough I woke up to my Eustachian tubes just crackling away. It’s a weird thing that sort of comes and goes. It’s definitely enough to wake me up. Since Friday night, between the shots, and Anies pushing someone out of my sinuses, may face has been … weird. Weird in the way that it feels vastly different. The Friday before there was something pushing through my face. It burned. It felt like literal fire. Lately, I get to thinking more and more that this is inflammation. I’ve constantly got the feeling that I’m on fire. My face burning. 

Sunday was really no different. By about mid-day the burning returned. God this gets old. As we roamed around stores, my face just hurt more and more. The swollen cheeks. The usual. The lump under my tongue was really painful today. Where did all this start from?

Im going back to my original suspicion that I have got to be allergic to something.  It’s what I usually get every day. Coffee. 

Yeah I hate to revisit this, but I think I’m allergic to whatever they are putting in the coffee @ Starbucks. White chocolate mocha. There’s gotta be something in there that’s doing this. Maybe it’s coffee doing it. As we got home tonight my face just felt like I just stuck it in a campfire. After sitting on the couch all this just dawned on me. You dumbass. This has got to be a reaction of some sort. The burning sensations changed as the night went on. Now it’s been in my cheeks, shoulders and arms. My throat started to feel weird. So I guess it’s back to sitting with an epi pen. Yeah, it’s not a good thing to use. The marathon for 10 minutes followed by the crash

So I raided my hydroxyzine stash. Yay antihistamines. These just put me out.  

As the weekend concluded I’m not sure if I can say if I feel better yet or not. Yeah it’s only been 2 days since I stopped coffee. I don’t feel good. I feel .. inflamed. I feel swollen all over but I’m not.  I am constantly getting burning sensations all over followed by pin pricks. It’s not the same as banging your elbow. It’s different. I would hate to think that all the health shit and stress I’ve had to deal with created this. 

I still cannot remember the last time I felt. Good. Ok. Neutral. All I know is pain. What it’s like to just not feel good. Constantly nauseated. Honestly my body just isn’t mine anymore. From the war against sepsis between 2018-2019 raged on I think every episode took something. And it we are not just talking 1-2. I think I officially clocked in with 13 septic episodes. I remember being able to walk again and just move around. I had energy. 

Now?

It hurts to move. My body just feels done to be quite honest. I feel like I’m 80. As much people laugh about it. It’s the truth. I’m finding it more and more difficult to just do normal day to day things. Between my legs feeling like they weigh 200lbs to my back spasms. Even as I lay here, it feels like I’ve got fire ants running all over me.  Another thing that I e started to notice again is my belly. It’s been slowly getting bigger. The stretch marks that run all over hurt. They hurt to touch. When I move I feel them. They also run down the inside of my legs. I can tell you it’s not me eating everything. I don’t eat much. That’s not putting it lightly either. 

I don’t want to eat much anymore. I kind of don’t see the point in it anymore. My whole body is just a lost cause. The delay in getting diagnosed with the immune disorder put something in motion that’s well .. irreversible. That and the bullshit I had to go through with the implants made it very clear that my body is just not having with anything. I’m convinced that having a foreign body in you for an extended period of time will probably trigger anyones body to do more strange things. 

I do think back though…. Life wasn’t this hard. I feel like I’ve lost all my patience with .. well… everything. I have to constant keep talking to myself reinforcing myself to just stay positive and just try to be as helpful as I can. Bury down everything else. Yes. I understand that’s not healthy, but I need to be able to move forward with this career until I can get myself out of debt.  Once I get there, please sign me up for disability. 

That’s explains how I feel more and more each day. Disabled. I’m pretty sure as this year passes I’ll lose more. Whether it be health related, job Related, or something else. I know it’s coming. It’s just a matter of when. It’s like a downward spiral. A slow one. I’ve tried getting off several times, but it just finds a way to put me right back on it. I’m just .. tired.