The Waltz

An intricate dance of rhythm.  Slow moving to an excruciating pace. Very similar to my health problems. A constant flow moving dance. With maybe end in sight, but I’m not going to get worked up about it or try to look forward to the hope. This past week has been a struggle. My mouth has just consistently hurt more and more. Burning. White patches in my mouth. I swapped to dexamethasone hoping it would do a better job of trying to tame my batshit crazy immune system. Jury is out. The floor of my mouth just fucking hurts. The lump. It’s fucking annoying. It’s there. I can’t do anything about it. No escape. 

I lucked out and someone cancelled with Lurcott tomorrow. I see him at 3. I’m nervous. I don’t know how tomorrow is going to go. I can only assume that we will be doing imaging while he looks. I would love for him to just get it out. But at the same time I need to be knocked out for that. The trauma that I’ve experienced up until now has created a new anxiety I’ve never had before. Hopefully it can be removed quickly. It’s quite clear the metal there is the root cause of all my problems this past year. I just want this over with. 

Xolair will hopefully help with the mast cell part. I’ll be getting that Thursday finally after cvs fucked around for 2 weeks. Maybe it will help me till I can have the surgery. Here’s hoping. It’s the only things I got left to go on. If things continue after the removal, or xolair. I’m done. I can’t take this anymore.