Positively Frustrated

This is a post that has been forthcoming. I am sorry if I offend anyone, but I feel it’s time to vent. That’s the whole reason I pay for this. 

First things first. Chronic illness. I don’t know where to begin. It’s been 3 years. Fuck. Maybe longer if I really want to nitpick. But the worst of it has been just that. 3 years of non-stop doctors. Frustration. Failure. Resentment. Anger. Fear. Sadness.  Illness. Pain. I could just keep going. 

Since being diagnosed with CVID, that has been the only rock solid thing I’ve had to go on. Having treatment for that has been a godsend. The septic episodes are gone. Since the last sinus surgery, I’ve yet to see my lactate > 2. Only positive thing. 

The negatives. 

Jesus fucking Christ where do I begin?!  My mouth. My teeth. You’d think that by removing the teeth that were infected would have stopped the infection in my face. WRONG. I’m pretty sure that they contributed to it not going away, but man. 5 years ago my teeth really went to shit. After losing the 1 implant, I’ve become paranoid of the other 4. In the back of my mind I feel like this is just a lost cause at this point. My mouth has constantly hurt since that fucking dick dentist in IL fucked up. 

The rashes have come back. But they are pustules now. Not the little typical rashes I’ve seen in the past. I’m absolutely sold that this all stems from that. 

My sinuses are the only thing that feel better. After both surgeries and the Linezolid, that’s better. 

But everything else sucks. As of late, I’ve had time to think by myself. Not good / positive thoughts. Chronic Illness isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s a debilitating condition that is challenging in every way for every step you take, either forwards or backwards. I’ll be honest. The last 3 years I’ve wanted to give up. Between the excruciating pain, the piece of shit medical system, and just the constant reminder that this is never going away. It just gets old. 

The overall stupidity of most people is astounding. That movie Idiocracy got it right. What’s frightening is that is happening right now. 

Where am I at?  Fuck if I know. There’s 7 days a week, and I can guarantee you that 10 of them suck. If you have read my blog, and followed it, I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, and financially. I normally have a mountain of patience and compassion, but from the past 3 years, it’s all but gone. I’m really frustrated that it’s taken this long to get help, and that there are still outstanding issues. It angers me that my life is basically over, and that this chronic illness has just taken over and tossed me out of the car. I can no longer control what is going on anymore with my health. It’s disappointing to say the least.  Being through all of the bullshit in my life this is my “reward”. You’d think that at this point life would be somewhat easier, but that’s clearly not the case here. 

I don’t get to go do the things I want to do anymore. I no longer can plan anything out as I’m now down to daily ups and downs.  Absolutely no consistency whatsoever outside the fact that my illness will interfere with what I want to do. 

It angers me that I’ve basically detached from everything I used to enjoy. Friends, hobbies. Etc. Coping with this has become my new hobby. And I suck at it. 

Lately I’ve been feeling like this is just a lost cause. It just seems like no matter what I do, or try. It all falls apart. And I’m either back at square one, or right back down the stairs. It’s frustrating. I keep asking myself if this is all really worth to keep fighting. I mean, this is a fucking disaster. I’m fatigued almost all day. It feels like I don’t sleep anymore. Between that and the nonstop pain, another setback, or something new, I just feel like I’m just fighting a losing battle. I am not one to quit, however, as futile as things seem now, I really don’t want to deal with this anymore. 

I would give anything to just have 1 full pain-free day. No antibiotics. No anything. Just one “healthy” day. 

As dreary as this sounds, things seem like it’s no progressing in the way anyone would want it to go. I am pretty sure the cysts in my face/mouth are contributing to my ongoing problems. I just have a feeling this will never be over. 

There will always be something else.