I’m finding it really hard to start this post. From my last post, I returned to Mayo. What has been a nightmare since the implants were placed. I’ve been called crazy. Doctors that literally look at me with blank stares. Being told that I’m making this up by my family, and also being labeled as an addict to morphine.
As the MRI machine abruptly stopped today, the tray ejected me from the tube of truth, the technologist came in and frantically said “your not supposed to have any metal in your body”. The discussion ensued for the next 3 minutes as I repeated myself over and over that there’s no metal in my body. That’s when it dawned on me. Like running 100mph into a fucking wall.
I immediately flashed back to the fucknut who put my implants in telling me “There’s nothing I’ve done left in your mouth”. Guess what you fucking idiot, there is. You forgot something. As I looked on the MRI, I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn’t comprehend the past year entirely until now. As most people would have overlooked this as typical shit, it was right there. The whole time. The constant jaw pain. Feeling my heartbeat constantly. Pain so paralyzing it would just make me immobile. To the point where the only thing that would help me get through this was morphine. The pain would ebb and flow. Some days I would go with no morphine, other days, it was a 90mg day.
It was the only thing allowing me to cope. Get out of bed. Function. All these things ran through my head simultaneously. As I got the “rare” opportunity to look at my MRI straight from the monitor. I said to myself “I was right all along”. For the greater part of a year, I have complained NONSTOP that my jaw hurts. Something doesn’t feel right. The constant pain. Burning sensations in my face, cheeks, sinuses… you name it, anything neck up was just fucking murder. From the bleeding out of my sinuses, or the horrid swelling I felt inside my mouth, it was quite clear something wasn’t right.
You’d think with technology, all these amazing doctors, and a patient who has a complaint it would just be addressed quickly. Wrong.
I’ve been beaten down so many times. Literally kicked when I’m down that all of these real physical symptoms aren’t real. That I’ve become this type of patient who makes up things. Let’s just go over what’s happened to me in the past, and yes, for those who doubted me, or straight to my face told me that I’m mentally unstable, or crazy, or “making this all up”. Just to make sure that you fucking UNDERSTAND what I’ve had to fucking endure:
2010
o Painful “acne” that 2 rounds of accutane did nothing.
o 9 Root canals
2011
o 6 root canals
o 5 rounds of pneumonia
2012
o 3 root canals
o 7 rounds of pneumonia
o “Ance” now cystic. Pus a constant problem.
2013-2014
o Nonstop visits to convenient cares. More antibiotics you can shake a stick at
2015
o Root canal nightmare. Rotting gums / jaw surgery
2016
o Neck locking up
o Severe migraines
o Swallowing problems
o Strange recurring illnesses returned
o “Acne” removed. Infections soon followed
o Bronchitis/Pneumonia/sinus infections
2017
o Severe Fatigue
o Nightsweats
o Root canal retreatments
o Skin “rashes” start to spread
2018
o 5 hospitalizations
o Staph Infection
o 7 root canal retreatments
o 5 tooth extractions
o 4 septic episodes
2019
o 6 hospitalizations
o Left sinus surgery
o Tumor removal
o CVID Diagnosis / Ig therapy started
o 5 dental implants placed, 1 failed 1 month after
o Pain management
2020
o 8 hospitalizations
o Facial infection
o 2 clots (both arms)
o Right sinus surgery
o 6 septic episodes
o Immense facial pain
o Throbbing Jaw
o 9 visits to implant place for help
o Dexamethasone weekly oral shots
o Metal allergy testing (Gold / Cobalt)
o UC Health fired
o 4 clogged veins which required removal of clots
o Implants removed
So. With that being said. The next 2 images that you see here is a message to those people. The people who fucking doubted me. The people who called me crazy. The people who should have been there for me but weren’t. The ones who said I was making this all up. My personal favorite “Opiate Addict”. Yet again more physical proof that there is something wrong.
As you can see from the two MRI images, soft tissue and bone, that there is a distortion in my front left jaw. That black spot you see, is what happens when you put metal in an MRI machine. It causes the signal to be distorted.
Now to explain this for the “people” who doubt me, or clearly shouldn’t be practicing medicine, Titanium is a non ferrous metal, which also doesn’t have magnetic properties you would find in iron, steel, etc. Titanium will not interfere with MRI imaging. 100% safe. So for the two images above for “the haters”, you can clearly see MRI signal interruption. This interference can only be caused by 1 thing, ferrous metal.
Looks like we found the source of my constant pain. The swelling. Making my immune system go absolute batshit. The sleepless nights. The multitude of ER visits. The nonstop worry that I’m going to die due to the ineptitude of people.
So as I was saying, as I looked at the screen. Seeing these images.. it was… Vindication. Vindication that I was right all along. That having to survive by any means necessary. Having to endure this constant shitstorm of pain, agony, suffering, life threatening events, people who won’t listen, people who literally don’t give a fuck, financial destruction, has taught me some extremely important life lessons.
o Advocate for the healthcare and attention you need and deserve
o Remain calm
o I am not invincible
o Remove the negative things in my life that are toxic
o Let go of people whom can’t/won’t/don’t support me, nor take the time to understand me
o Take both the good days and bad days
o Appreciate the good in things
o Allow myself to emotionally hit the bottom of the stairs, but have the strength to just walk back up them.
I am truly hopeful this is the end of this chapter. This chapter is something out of a Steven King novel. It has been a pretty fucking scary ride. I’ve had to make decisions that don’t come easy by any means. I’ve had to push myself to the limit. I know how much I am capable of dealing with the magnitude of what I’ve had to deal with the past few years. Chronic illness is real. Today gave me more fight to keep pushing forward. Nobody, and I mean nobody will stand in my way that bars me from just living my life. It’s sad that I’ve had to lose so much to get where I am now.
Fuck you for not standing by me. You don’t deserve me.
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