The Downward Spiral

Growing up as a kid sucked. I won’t go into all the detail of it, but the only real family member who actually loved me for who I was, well was my mother. After mom died in 2012, I thought to myself that “this is it” for the family. Wasn’t wrong

As this illness has progressed from 9 septic episodes in 2018, to immuglobulin replacement therapy in 2019, to malpractice, then the Ataxia Telangiectasia positive test. I wish I could just have my life back where this wasn’t holding me back. 

This week started off rough. Couldn’t sleep. I keep waking up for no reason. Unable to fall back asleep. Monday just dragged. I did a few things for work, but by 4pm I was literally done. I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. The waves of exhaustion just hit me more and more each day. I’m still uncertain if it’s my body attempting to recover, or cope with whatever is coming next. Today was nothing different. Just exhausted by 11pm. Simple tasks that I would normally just blow through take time now. I have to really slow down and think things through again. Lately I’ve been second guessing myself at work. 

I’m becoming more and more frustrated in general I guess. My health, being able to go do the things that I enjoy is slowly starting to disappear. 

I’m really hopeful that Mayo has something positive to say, however, I don’t see that happening. This has just started to take its toll on me. Outside of my uncle or my aunt, my family is dead. My father who never really was a father decided to send me this “ Ok big fella…have it your way for the rest of your life! I’m done!”. What’s funny with this statement is how can you be done with something we’re never apart of?  As for my sister and the physicality that occurred, I don’t see how she is at all sorry for what was done and what she said. Nothing but pure hatred and selfishness came out. All I was there for was to get help. I am grateful that my uncle let me stay at his place while I was being evaluated in Rochester  

It’s quite sad when you stand back from it all and just watch the toxicity. I’m done with all that. I won’t allow anyone to treat me like that. 

Again. All I can hope for is I can last another 20-30 years and just try to enjoy what little life I have left. I can honestly say that I have a clear conscience, and that I’ve always done the right thing, and never fucked anyone over or done anything illegal. Karma.