Reconfiguration

Identifying your faults it’s probably the first step to improvement. As much as I’ve talked about the past 3 years, it’s done some damage. Prior to my downward spiral from what I remember, I was laid back. Only cared about the now. Was simply enthusiastic, and energetic. 

When the wife and I moved to Colorado, it felt like a new beginning into something better. Things felt better for a change. Going out and experiencing new things was a nice change of pace of the monotony of what Chicago had become.

Frustration is something that I don’t think I am able to cope with. To me, frustration seems like a relentless reminder that the effort spent on something failed to meet the expected outcome.  Throughout the past 3 years, the constant failures I have had to face, has left me just frustrated. Disappointed in a way that “i suck at this”. However, I don’t think anyone is good at being chronically ill. The frustration became overbearing at times, it still does, but I think I have learned to identify scenarios or certain situations where frustration is my automatic go-to defense mechanism. As I look behind (yes hindsight is never good), I see the stupid shit id said, done, acted. I’m disappointed in myself that I allowed this frustration to cloud and obscure what really matters. 

It’s no excuse, but during this entire time, I think I’ve easily identified that I have basically been having a non-stop allergic reaction to the metal bit that was left in my face. The immense amount of pain, sleepless nights, exhaustion, and survival to which I had to endure for so long started to change who I am as a person. I’ve always been willing to help anyone, and I do mean anyone. I have always tried to do the right thing as if it will be looked at from a good way form others points of view. Ultimately I’m just trying to make as many people as happy as possible. The looming frustration just follows me everywhere I go. Making things more difficult than they already are since it’s now basically interrupting my ability to make good choices with various things. 

Lack of patience is something I’m not accustomed to. My mom programmed me to have a massive amount of it, however I’ve noticed as of late that my patience just isn’t what it was. Things used to not bother me, or “get” to me. I’m pretty sure this all comes back to just the literal shitshow my health has been the past 3 years.  Just idly sitting while doctors just have no fucking clue. The septic episodes changed me with respect to how direct I am with people. Especially doctors. I’m sorry, but I cannot fucking stand doctors in the fact they lack empathy, ability to really listen, and do their fucking job. This is going to lead into my third fault I’ve identified, but let’s keep on this. You go to school for what … 8-12 years?  You graduate with some shitty internship all awhile you sat through medical school whipped up on sorority parties where drugs and alcohol are the norm. Solid way to focus on “your future”. But now you sit with $500k worth of debt due to school. The sense of entitlement most doctors have is quite palpable.  It’s rather comical in the fact that they can’t answer a simple fucking question, or they are trying to cover their ass with a non-medical or scientific theory. Sorry, but you are triggering my bullshit detector … woop woop woop. 

Oh boy. Fault #3. Having no respect for people who are ignorant. Jesus. As I sit back and just observe, wow. I can honestly admit that the internet has … reduced the amount of intellect in people.  Social media has got to be the most rotten thing ever. I’m referring to Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Farmersonly.com (lol). But seriously. People are so “plugged in” to their electronic life. Social media originally just started off as the replacement of your geocities page. Here I am. This is me. Here’s a picture of my cat. I remember going on MySpace for the first time. Having a top 5 friend list. Gee. How to publically tell people where they rank with you lol. Not like I cared, but I saw that as an interesting thing. But as these platforms matured, you would think that the user base would. Nope. Against my expectation, social media evolved into a platform of “information sharing”. Instead of it being a “about me” page, it became a “it’s on the internet, it must be true” with a twist of telling people to the minute of the shit you just took, or how upset you were because Whole Foods didn’t have your organic product in stock. The de-information age has began. It was always there, it was known as word of mouth, or hearsay. Well guess what, now it has a visible way of propagating ignorance throughout mankind. Awesome. 

As this ignorance has started to propagate, the overall intelligence of “people” has gone down. This brings in the rise of Google, Yahoo, Bing, DuckDuckGo… Jesus don’t know how Google has become what it is, but society has become reliant on it, in some form or fashion. Like me, I use it for research, finding information on things that are new to me. More or less a tool. Only used when really needed to reference something. But for others, it’s become a mainstay of their secondary source of information for their daily lives. Influencing their decisions, personal and professionally. The age old saying of “Let me Google that for you” has a scary truth. People have become more and more reliant upon Google to help them. This in turn has weakened and softened people’s ability to cognitively think for themselves. Form their own opinions, views based on the facts they see vs what Google or Facebook says. 

I strongly believe this has caused a direct shift in  the ability of “us” to think, feel, act, and behave. It’s similar to feeding a wild animal. Yes. We have all done it. Fed ducks bread, leave peanuts out for your buddy squirrel, or simply hanging a bird feeder. It’s this internal wiring and programming that is crucial to the species.  I’m referring to instinct. Sorry it took awhile to get here, but Jesus Christ. More and more people that I’ve met lack the basic instincts that you would think one would have. 

Of course the first one is just simple. Common sense. It’s something that is acquired over the years as you age. Everyone, and everything is naive in the beginning. But it’s curiosity, trial and error, creativity or necessity that allows us to gain this crucial instinct. This is something I’ve noticed people lacking more and more. I am not sure if it’s just a broadening ignorance, or just a lack of common sense, however it’s quite apparent that it’s something you can no longer assume that someone has. This would be considered still my 3rd fault in that I have a really hard time with people who have a blatant lack of common sense which has been built upon acquired knowledge. It’s typically those types of people who just eat/sleep/breathe social media. I mean let’s be honest here, vaccines contain dead fetuses and ammonia and mercury. Wait. Sorry. Sarcasm. 

Which leads to my 4th fault. Cynicism. As I’ve gotten older, experienced the things I’ve experienced, from having a non existent father, to near death experiences, sarcasm has really been something I’ve had to use frequently to make light of things. But from a negative perspective, that may create the outside appearance of I’m a cynical asshole. This mixed into my overall “directness” probably doesn’t put me in a good light with most people, or things I may be conveying are being construed in a different way. 

There’s some work to be done for me. I want to improve upon the faults I’m continually trying to identify. I need to give “people” a chance. The defense mechanism that I’ve had to activate to advocate for myself like I said has been stuck “on”. I’m trying everyday to keep it shut off.