Sick of being sick

I wish I had something positive to talk about. I really do. I’ve lost my patience with doctors. This morning I went to see yet another oral surgeon. Just a waste of time at this point. As I sat there catching him up, he decided to start saying that I need to find another doctor who can deal with this. 

This is literally what this has become. Talk to this guy to talk to this guy etc. I feel like this is real like world of Warcraft where I’m stuck on some perpetual attunement quest. Except this one I don’t think I’ll ever be able to complete. 

The only doctor that cares anymore is my immunologist.  He’s the only one that listens, and at least tries. The inflammation in my face started to return again this week. ID of course blew me off for the 3rd time. Now you know why I hate them. My mouth and face just started to hurt again. This just won’t go away. The burning. The feeling that my mouth is just raw. Hurts to talk. Fuck. Think at this point. The 1G shot of rocephin i got last weekend only really lasted me 3 days. Back to familiar territory. Thursday I got another 2G. As I drove to the appointment my face just felt like it’s getting bigger and bigger. The cysts I feel in my mouth just hurt. I continually try to clench my jaw. Something that I would do before, but this doesn’t feel right. It’s almost uncontrollable at this point. The sores on my scalp were getting worse. The itch was coming back. It’s literally all over my head and it doesn’t go away. The nausea was becoming overwhelming. The spot on the left side of my jaw/neck started to bulge out again. 

I joked with my immunologist about how much I wanted. “I got two buttcheeks don’t I?”  He laughed. It’s the only thing pulling me through this misery at this point. My shitty sense of humor. Full transparency. I am probably the most miserable I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure he understands what I’m going through. As I got the shots, it pretty much hit me that this has become the perpetual cycle that I cannot get out of. Get this test. Inject this, swallow that. Intermuscular shots suck. It burns. At least the nurse was thoughtful enough to mix it with lidocaine so it wasn’t as bad. 

Getting back into the Jeep was a challenge. Fuck it just hurt. At this point this has wore out it’s welcome. I seriously wish that I never got implants. Once again I bought into the bullshit and it didn’t work. Was told that oh yeah this will be just fine. Everything will be ok. 

This has really only furthered the downward spiral. Threw gas on the fire. Disappointment after disappointment. Nothing works out for me. Ever. I get a temporary sense of positivity for it to just be crushed by insert bad news item here. I just feel like that I will never get better, and things are only going to get worse. The common question that echos over and over what’s next?  What gets to be taken away from me next?  Nothing I can do about it either. Just let it happen at this point. 

Let’s be honest. I can’t do anything myself anymore.  I’ve lost the ability to be happy. As helpless as I’ve been feeling as of late, it’s really starting to change my attitude. It takes all the energy in my body to just get out of bed. Take a shower. I really don’t want to eat anymore. I feel hopeless. Everytime I wipe my face or feel around these white granules continue to come out of my face. Literally feels like razor blades coming out of my skin. 

Monday is yet another appointment with infectious disease. Same doctor that saw me during the kidney stuff. Seemed like he didn’t care. Spent maybe 5 minutes in my room. Put comments in my chart that “he knows me”. No. Sorry. I’m done being dismissed. This shit is real. The things I say did happen. I’m pretty sure it will be a pointless appointment. Don’t see how Telehealth is appropriate when you gotta look at my skin. It’s funny when both your immunologist and your dermatologist have been urging you to go see ID, just to get blank stares and non action. 

I guess I’ll just continue to be treated like a drug seeker and someone who has munchausens. Again if a doctor doesn’t know, it’s not them, it’s you. I guess trying to explain what’s happening and showing them the pus, the sores, only earns you the reward of nothing. 

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t do anything about the clot. It would have been an easier solution to the problem.