It’s been a minute

What should start off as a positive post about everything is better, why I haven’t been posting or writing.

I’m just defeated. Tired. The daily pain I feel in my face, mouth, and now sinuses has worn out its welcome. Yup. I said it. What feels like lock jaw has started to get worse every time I move my mouth. Eat. Talk. the pain meds don’t touch it either. Lately my jaw will just spasm, for a solid hour, then freeze.

Either using the massage gun, or my heating pad gets it to release. As part of this, I’m back to not eating again. Talking less. At this point this just feels like an un-winnable battle. Every morning I wake up to the same thing. Over and over again. Almost like I’m stuck in the movie Groundhog Day.

The ketamine gives me relief for about 2 weeks or so. Which is about the only thing keeping me from just giving up. Since 2015, the pain I feel daily is just wearing me out, and down to nothing. Thankfully, insurance finally caved, and I have a $1500 credit with the clinic. So at least there are 5’ish free sessions I’ll get, which carries me till for about the next 2 1/2 months.

The debt continues to crush me. I’m still staring at 2 consolidation loans, and 2 credit cards that’s carrying all of the medical debt acquired until this point. Which is roughly $2100 a month. Then there is also the 401k loan that’s hitting me for $250 a paycheck.

Feels like I’m just trapped in debt, forever.

3 months ago, the attorney that was supposed to be helping me with the lawsuit against Parc completely went 180 degrees. Asking me to come up with $5k, then it became $10k 3 weeks later, then shortly after $15k, I just decided to give up. Yeah, this attorney got us out of the lease, but waited about a year and a half after to start “working” the case. Just like the attorney and the oral surgeon/drill bit case. It’s demotivating, and just frustrating.

The carelessness of others put me where I am. Had the doctors listened, this wouldn’t have gotten this out of hand. I used to be full of energy, and enthusiasm, but the past few years has clearly taken its toll. I’m constantly fighting exhaustion, pain, and just trying to push through it all, it’s just gotten to the point of no matter how hard I try to fight and push back, I’m losing ground.

I’m thankful for the people who helped me financially through the past few years. If it wasn’t for them, this would’ve become impossible. But it just feels like lately, I’m just going to be trapped here for a long time.

I’m grateful for Aggie. She’s been such a helping hand, whether it’s getting me to appointments, making me smile, and just being there to help me. She has been such a guiding light when I’m surrounded by crippling debt, and everything else.

Someday, this will maybe get better. That’s all I can hope for. That’s really all I have left in me, is hope.

But this has really been hard. I’ve lost a lot of weight. My energy levels are getting lower and lower. To make matters worse, about 2 months ago, my left ear started to hurt like before.

As the pain progressed, cellulitis started to appear on my side of my head. It spread fast. It only took a week until my entire left side of my head was swollen.

I immediately got into see my ENT, and blew my emergency IV antibiotics. 3 weeks later, it subsided. But now where the infection was, my hair won’t grow back. So I guess I’m just going to stop shaving my head. Not sure, I keep everything clean.

But this infection just won’t go away. It’s pretty clear every 3 weeks when labs are drawn, my white blood counts are always elevated. It explains why I’m tired all the time. This just gets old. Day in and day out. All I do is struggle to exist.

Ketamine has been a lifesaver. It throttles the pain way back. I decided to increase the dose I get, significantly. Now I’m at 200mg every 3 weeks. The after effects last about 2 weeks. But when it wears off, I know a week of misery is ahead.

It’s gotten harder to maintain a daily balance. With all the medication I’m on, I have no energy. I don’t feel like eating most days. I’m barely sleeping. I’m constantly waking up. With all the meds I’m on for sleep, anyone would be out cold. Me? Nope.

Like I’ve said previously, it feels like I’m just fighting a losing battle.